Saturday, 21 January 2012

Addicted to Excuses


I believe everyone has one. I have many, no – truck loads. Some are healthy, most can be argued, but the majority is a heaving pile of pure unhealthy addiction. And I can’t blame anyone or anything for having them. They are all excuses, and I know it. My mind works like this: “I need. I need. I need.” *does it* “Better.” *moments later* “I need. I need. I need.” From now on, every time I type the word Addiction, I’m going to backspace and write in Excuse instead – even if it doesn’t make any sense at all.

I have food Excuses. I love chocolate. Coke is a definite daily necessity. Milk and oreos is a big weakness. Good mood? Food. Bad mood? Food.I’ve actually caught myself a couple of times stuffing my face with chips or popcorn while watching “The Biggest Loser”… which is pretty bad.

I have internet Excuses. Just going to check facebook for five minute really means an hour. Youtube is my best friend. Good mood? Youtube. Bad mood? Youtube. Google is the central part of my brain. Gmail, blog, Wikipedia, twitter. Check, check, check and check it again. Repeat.
Even music is my Excuse. I listen to music on the bus, school, studying, and yes, even when I shower. Hahaha, it’s the only place where I sing. Some people might debate that music isn’t an addiction, but I can fully admit that what I listen to is dark, deep and depressing. To the people who don’t understand that and maybe this will even confuse you more, but “my” genre of music makes me feel better. I have an idea why but it’s unexplainable and isn’t worth the attempt. Good mood? Depressing music. Bad mood? Depressing music.

I have so many other addictions/excuses that I’ve given up trying to avoid them anymore. They exist and I’m open about it. Well… most of them anyway. I’ve realized that all these things are just to “hide” what I’m actually feeling. They are excuses because I know I can change, but I refuse to. Intentionally. Why? Because changing means to require energy. Perhaps this is just another excuse in itself when I say this, but I’ve been buried in all these “addictions” for so long that I’ve developed an attitude of “meh, I DON’T CARE.”
 Good mood? I don’t talk about it. Bad mood? I don’t talk about it.

My thinking of “Addiction is so much better then facing problems. So why change? It always feels better in the end.” is the biggest lie I’ve been telling myself for too long.

Recovery is my future.

What’s your biggest addiction?
P.S. Click on Video/Song of the week on the side bar. It’s a gooder. :)

Friday, 6 January 2012

Midway Sleep

While the world sleeps
My circus is just beginning
With each thought having it’s own parade
Marching down their restless way
Like a hallway of never ending blues
I cover my eyes with layers of blankets
Trying to drown out the imaginary lights
From the past to the desperate future
All sorts of emptiness is filled with everything
With the clock burning each taunting minute
Reminding me of how quick emotions shift
The questions swirl and dance around
Like an unwanted, sickening feeling
Looking to escape this ring of fire
My strategy is only an exaggerated illusion
Counting each blessing, I close my eyes
Jumping in with only a fool’s gamble
I pick my prize of forty winks
But the night’s trickery is the supremacy
And forever it will always be
I lie awake, knowing fair well
I just lost biggest reward of all
Tonight’s rest.

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

Year Twenty Eleven in 1,201 words. (Numbers switched around) Pure Talent, I know.

I am going to attempt to sum up my Year of 2011. I know I’ll end up writing all of you a boring novel in the end; managing to still forget something important. I’ll try to make it in order as I possibly can.

Rewinding 2011: Things I Remember - All things and everything else.

I remember as soon as the January Finals ended, I decided I wasn’t going to give a flying fruit basket about anything school related. It was only about half way through basketball season, and I was already tired of that too. I can, and will, fully admit that I had given up on everything. I was angry for reasons I can’t exactly explain.

By the end of February, I managed to pass my Bronze Medallion supposably missing the best tournament of the year (basketball) :( My birthday came with myself and my sister spending the evening out at Bennett’s house, sledding/talking/giggling with Sam and Becca late hours into the night.

March was the highlight month of accomplishments right from the beginning. By the 1st, my first attempt to get my licence was a success. Even though I managed to cut a dude off (glad we have 4X4) on mainstreet Shauny. Classy. I also was successful in getting my Bronze Cross and First Aid CPR C/AED. All I can say is, hell if I’m ever going to do that much swimming EVER AGAIN. It was awful. I almost died. Twice. Yeah, that’s about all my accomplishments was. Hahaha.

April, our basketball team made it to Provincials. HOW AWESOME IS THAT. We fought hard, pulling off a solid Bronze medal :) Cool. After that, I just wanted school to end. And Winter.

May was preparation month for exams. Pffftttt, exams. I mean Summer! I applied for Full Time position at the Aquatic Center, but ended up getting casual which was okay with me. My mom also was having a tough time with her health, so my mind was no short of being occupied with nothing else but STRESS. Things started to clear up, nearing June so I re-posted my “Grass Cutting” Ad but added “Car Cleaning” with it. I know, typical desperate student posting…

By the end of June, I had already made about $80 - $100 just from cutting grass. I was feeling pretty optimistic about my future $$ wise. I started feeling comfortable getting to know what to do working at the pool. I had pretty good co-workers :) July first was spent with the fam out at the lake, but was cut short because I was scheduled to Lifeguard. That was okay, I like money.

About mid July I had taken two weeks off to catch up on some credentials and to attend a basketball camp. After some more swimming of death, I officially was a certified AWSI – Assistant Water Safety Instructor. Then, when I thought my body couldn’t possibly handle any more physical torture – basketball camp was up. I didn’t want to go, mainly for three reasons. 1) I was losing major interest in the sport. I was sick of it. 2) I didn’t want to take time off work. 3) I shouldn’t be allowed to play the sport. I was born a bench warmer.

Basketball camp was a story in itself. Rewinding further: the year before, Darryl and Collete took the majority of our team down to Helena, U.S. for an awesome basketball camp down there. Yes, I did learn a lot but I hated every minute being down there. They are bball freaks. This was also my first experience being asked about Canada. Here’s just some of the questions they had asked us:

Do you actually live in igloos?

Do you have a pet polar bear?

Do you guys have indoor plumbing?

Oh, you’re from Sass Cat Chewy an? That’s a pretty city name.

Do you like PAW STAH (pasta)? My response everytime: what the hell is pawstah.

Soooo, what’s the weather like up there? Is it snowing, like, all the time?

So funny. Hahaha, yeah, I made fun of them.

ANYWAY. There was a bunch of coaches in Helena (most of them were actual players that played for Carroll College) but there was one in particular that really stood out to everyone. I remember driving home, and all we pretty much talked about was how awesome Nancy was. I was only in one session with her, and she was the only person that entire week that didn’t make me feel as if I was stupid, incapable, and whatever else. She would make you do a drill, until you got it. PERFECTLY. Not just pity passed you, then make you feel stupid later in the week when you were the only one who couldn’t do something in a game. So,

FAST FORWARD: Darryl had asked if this Nancy could come up to… YES, our school to coach us for an entire week! Like I said before, I didn’t even want to go but ended up signing up last minute. I thank my mom for making me. It was probably on the Top 5 Highlights of my summer. Nancy helped me in numerous ways but helped everyone with just one thing in general. Focusing. I can’t thank her enough. I will be attending the next basketball camp coming up in the 2012 summer, and that will be my last time playing basketball forever! And hopefully it will end on a good note :)

You could say by the end of August, I had one full blown bad ass tan. I did exceptionally well with cutting grass – I had matched/exceeded what I made at the pool. Made just under 3 grand. Good start I suppose :) I ended up going to the lake two weekends in a row in late August to enjoy the last of the summer. Before I knew it, I was in Edmonton with two of the best cousins anyone could ask for. I blew all of my money there, but it was well worth it. I had a lot of fun there. I can’t thank them enough for letting me tag along.

Then school hit, and every good feeling went away. I had a rough volleyball season, and I can feel myself following the same path as basketball. Exams are coming out of the Ying Yang. I mean, I know it’s highschool, but we have exams scheduled before we even start a unit. It’s ridiculous. I hate it.

Skipping ahead to December, Christmas banquet was fun. I invited Ryland to join again. I hope it was worth his while! :) hehe.

Christmas was awesome. I am such a spoiled girl. Having an amazing family come to spend the day in our home, being showered in gifts, and just spending time eating and laughing – it was perfect. New Years Eve was total opposite. I needed one of my parents to accompany me at the dance in town due to the alcohol being present, but neither of them would go. So, needless to say, I spent the night sulking watching Dick Clark on TV.

Year 2011 + negative Haley = learning curves and obstacles I never overcame. Not my best year.

As for New Years Resolutions… I am a non believer. I refuse to set myself up to fail.