Old entry #4 - Hating my own Attitude

Just so everyone knows, I’m importing all my old entries from my other blog site onto this one so everything is all here. YAY. Put down your comments. Right now.

Hating my own Attitude

Lately, I have been catching myself being so miserable. I literally had to stop myself mid sentence in countless conversations and say aloud, "Why am I talking like this?". After taking a moment and realizing the reason why I was, I took the initiative to stop the conversation and say, "I'm done." I get so frustrated with the situation or problem or myself, that all I could be is simply angry. Meanwhile, I was forgetting that I was only making the scenario worse, by acting so. Why? Why do I insist on making that choice to do so? I believe that it is because I have been doing it for so long, that I have gotten immune to my own outbursts, negative thinking, and attitude.

It is only recent that I had decided I wanted to TRY to be satisfied, grateful, and happy. (i.e. Satifraction blog). I have realized I am exactly who I don't want to be. Maybe that is why I dislike people who are this way - because I am really just them.

I can't even remember when I didn't speak or think the way I do. It seems like even in my elementary grades I was always angry. It didn't help that I am so self conscience about, well - everything 'me'. At the time, there were only 3 other kids in my grade; a set of twins and little Noah ;) hehe. The thing was; I was always two feet taller than them (until grade seven/eight or so). No, that isn't an exaggeration. Of course, since I was way bigger than them I was outrageously embarassed. I was always the slowest, least athletic kid in phys ed class - which class I loved dearly but could never really enjoy. My first mistake in elementary school: taking all this anger out on them. Not in a bully sense, but more as in 'taking charge'. I NEEDED to be the leader in everything. I think there is a kid in every grade that's like that. :(

About grade six is when I grew out of that nonsense. It is a regret I still have plunged in the back of my mind. I suppose at that time I had realized that wasn't who I wanted to be or be remembered as. After all, it was the last year we were going to be enrolled in our small town school - it was closing. More anger grew inside of me after we were shipped over to our new school... more blame, more hate, more regrets were formed during the next years.

I think the past year or so I have improved muchly in the sense of my outbursts and pessimism acts. I know I am my own problem. I know I want to change and be different. My issue now is exactly what this blog is about:

Secret anger.

I hate. I scowl. I regret. I keep all the impatience inside me.

And I don't even know why.

Old entries #3 - Chasing time vs Running out

Just so everyone knows, I’m importing all my old entries from my other site onto this one so everything is in one place. Feel free to comment :)

Chasing time vs. Running out

This has been bothering me for a very long time. Before I say anymore, I want to make it clear that this entry isn't ment to judge or criticize or bash decisions made by anyone. I just would like to get my opinion out there and see who agrees and sees what I see in my reasoning. :) Yay.

Females - what is our goal in life? That might be too broad of a question, or perhaps there are numerous goals we have. I think we can all agree that in our society - past and present - our goal is to find the man of our "dreams". By dreams I mean this: someone who can take care of us (finacially), create a family and care for them and live happily ever after.  (By the way, I'm not a feminist or believe anything along those lines. It's just the way I view all of this.) Okay, first of all I would like to note where our career fits in all of this. Hmmm... let's put this in perspective.

We go to school for 13 years, then we pick and choose a career which then let's just say a plus four years on top of that for post secondary. So approximately 17 years we spend our life in school - by now we are well into our twenties, well educated and ready for our Life to begin! YAY. Meanwhile, while all this is happening Mr. Right comes into our path - which isn't a bad thing at all. We like Mr. Right after all ;) ... the problem is, we just started our new "Life" which we waited almost two decades for. Now what? We can't think of our life being better without Mr. Right so of course, we marry. Again, nothing wrong with that.

Okay, now we have started a few years into our career with our new marriage life. Fantastic! Life is wonderful!! Ready or not, we will be pressured to having children - after all we are pushing into our thirties, all our friends are having babies and we want the great reward of joy children bring us. This is where I see all the problems beginning.

What happened to our personal goal? Was it just to care for children and our husband? What about ourselves? Where do our ambitions and hobbies and likes and interests go? (To me, I am NOT being selfish by saying those things by the way). I have the answer: in the garbage - with the diapers, unfinished sandwiches and broken toys. What happened to that 17 years of schooling? That wonderful career and happy life? As females, we are expected to drop everything to care and support everyone else. I know I'll get comments stating, "there are good men and excellent, caring husbands out there that will still make sure you get what you need to keep that 'happy' life with personal goals that don't involve children - or anyone else." etc etc. Okay, that IS true. I won't argue with it. But that still doesn't change the fact, or my opinion, that we are still expected to be the 'nuturer in life. To me, this isn't fair. Yes, life isn't fair but this can easily be changed.

I would like to know who decided that the man gets to keep his position in life with his lovely career, hardly changing his lifestyle at all for OUR children. That might be a bit harsh to say, but c'mon... it's true in almost every family. (Notice key word: *almost*) What role do our husbands play in this happy go, lucky life? First thing I can think of is $$. Okay, sounds like somewhat of a deal. We are stuck at home with the children while the husband works his butt off to pay the bills so we can make ends meet. Wait a minute... we can do that too. We had a career once. We were making $$ at a very short time in our life. Why can't we have back what we earned earlier in our life, before children were born? ... Like the old saying goes, "you can't have two good things at once."

Now our children have grown up, have their own careers and starting their own life. Our Mr. Right can now retire and we move away to a better location. Perhaps this is where many try to get back the original goals and ambitions we had, maybe even discovering new interests and hobbies to enjoy. HA! Hello grandchildren... grandma made cookies...

P.S. I am not saying children are horrible beasts that pop into life bringing no joy or happiness for us to endeavour. My point is, what makes life enjoyable; the life we create (ourself only) or the lives we care for (everyone else)?

Old entries #2 - Yes, I am satistfied.

Just so everyone knows, I’m importing most of my old blog entries onto this site so everything is one place. Super! :) Leave your comment.

Yes, I am Satisfied.

It is amazing how difficult it is for me to say these words. Am I grateful for the things I can and are able to do? Perhaps. If I really think about it. I suppose I tend to avoid being grateful of who I am, seeing only what I can not do. I think most people are like this. Are we pessimists? Or do we only think like them. Most people would say it is the same thing, but I disagree.

Pessimists are people who think negatively, act negative, and talk negative - ruining their days, even life. They do not believe the problem is themselves, but everyone else. People who are stuck between pessismism and reality often consider themselves "realists". We see things completely differently then pessimists. We know that we are our own problem. We know we choose to see that single cloud in the clear blue sky. We let pessimism thoughts take over our life. The problem is, we do not know how to fix this state of mind. We want to see the sun. We want our reality to be different. We want to change. But we don't know how to be grateful.

How can we truly be happy in life, when we are blinded by the negative? Yet we choose this. We have trained our minds thinking it's so much easier to be bummed out by that one cloud or that one comment someone said. This is definitely not a healthy way of thinking - or living. We need to start not only seeing the sun, but feeling it. The warmth is much more comforting when we feel it on our own. We can no longer rely on others to keep us "warm" or happy. Sure, it's nice having someone to talk to about the good things in life but that's only temporary. They cannot talk to you 24/7 for the rest of your life. YOU have to talk to yourself, saying "yes, the sun is out. I can feel it and I am grateful."

I have started to come out of the "realist" state. It's not an easy thing to do. Especially when I think I'm doing better and then all of a sudden, when I'm not the least bit prepared - I'll get that one comment from someone letting pessismism thoughts and feelings back into my life. No. I have to say NO to these things. I have to ask myself, "what am I truly grateful for?" "Why am I blaming the pessismist for my thoughts?". Being a realist is a choice. And I am now saying No to this. I want happiness! YAY FOR BRIGHT RAINBOWS AND UNICORNS. :) haha

So how satisfied am I right now? A fraction. I cannot be truly satisfied until I start feeling the sun again. Right now, I can only see it. I'm starting though; now it's your turn. I am grateful for this SatisFRACTION :) Are you?

Old entry #1 - If No one was Watching

Just to let everyone know, I’m just importing some of my older blog entries from my other site onto this one so I can have everything in one place. Feel free to still comment on them :)

If No one was Watching . . .

What is it that we are all so very afraid of? This had struck me early this morning when I was teaching swimming lessons and has been occupying my mind since. This young girl was signed up for a level based on her age, rather than her skill. This is not a mistake of course; it happens all the time. But this particular girl had never taken swimming lessons of any sort and was not exactly comfortable being in the water. The problem was that the level she was originally signed up for was way beyond her water skill level. She couldn't even enter the deepend at her teen age. At the moment, I thought this would be an easy problem to fix - I be by her side with an assist (fludder board), ready to help her when needed. For her however, this was a life or death task. Now being as stubborn as I am, I was not going to let her leave the lesson without completeing at least one basic fundamental of swimming; back float. She did not like this idea of mine of course, and decided to sit out for the remainder of the lesson. I was dumbfounded. Why not at least TRY?

As I continued teaching my lesson, I kept glancing over to study her. Not glaring or anything rude, but just studying. The way she hung on to the wall, looking down, deep into the clear water with almost no expression at all, made me think. Something kept telling me she wanted to be in this lesson, at this time, on this particular day. She DID want to learn how to swim, how to move with the water instead of fighting aginst it. She DID want to try...

My theory is this -

She was afraid of being judged. Being chuckled and pointed at. This particular group of kids all knew eachother fairly well. She didn't want to ruin the rest of her summer being known as "That girl that couldn't swim"... Perhaps that might be an exaggeration, but how was she suppose to know that? How was she suppose to know that no one was going to be talking or laughing behind her back? Of course I would quickly put a stop to that, but she still didn't know.

After speaking to her mother after the lesson about how much more she would be able to benefit if we were to drop her down a couple levels with a different instructor. I saw improvement immediately. Not only physically, but mentally - emotionally. Becca (the other instructor) had stayed in the pool during her break with this young girl, so that no one else could watch her struggle. I cannot express the feeling I had at the momment where she had succeeded. She had tried. And succeeded.

This brings to my attention alot of questions I have of society beyond swimming. And maybe even questions for myself. We fear of the audience that is waiting for our mistakes to happen. We are always asking ourselves, what would happen if I did this, tried that, spoke my opinion and messed up? Even something as exotic and silly as trimming my front lawn with no shirt on. It gets hot in the dead of the heat! Yet, my conscience says no - that's inappropriate. Is it inappropriate? It is hot outside, my shirt is sticking to my back and if everyone in the world cut their lawn with no shirt on, it wouldn't be seen as inappropraite or weird or crazy. I suppose there are still "standards" or "rules" that should still apply like; you don't go down to the store naked, to buy groceries. That isn't my point. My point is; how much of our lives do we miss out on, worrying about an audience that exists only in our minds?

Tips for relieving an injured shoulder

I haven’t posted in awhile, but I do have legitimate entries coming out of the yin yang; just need more time to finish em up. So I decided that I would quickly write this up so this blog doesn’t die out on me.

About two years ago, I partially dislocated my shoulder and it’s been a reoccurring injury ever since. I haven’t exactly found a solution (if there is one, even) but I found some temporary fixes that help with re-strengthening, etc. If you have specific exercises for an injury that work, leave a comment please!

Haley’s Top 10 Steps for treating a dumb shoulder

1.  Next Day physio therapy. It’s painful but relieving the very next day. I see Colette Anderson. She’s awesome. She does everything from teaching me most of the exercises below to ultrasound to acupuncture. I must admit, I was skeptical to the whole acupuncture thing, but I’m telling you, it does work!

2. Bandage the ball of the shoulder by pulling it back (Colette does this for me). I find it helps with my treacherous posture and helps keeping it from moving around too much. I leave it on for about a week as you can shower with it on, etc. This helps with playing sports too, as I’m moving my shoulder around a lot.

3. Ice until it’s numb, then have a really hot bath with Epson salt – mainly to reduce swelling.

4. Exercise it as soon as possible! The first thing I try to do is just pull back my shoulders as if trying to push my back in. Once I’m able to do that without too much pain, I stand in a doorway and put both arms parallel to the frame, pushing against it as hard as I can – this is mostly for the muscles in the upper arm.

5. Strengthening bands work well if you keep it up. I learned this the hard way.

6. Starting a lawn mower motion. Or actually go out and start your mower hahaha

7. Wall exercises. All of them, just to stretch things out and to get the stiffness out. Again, if you get lazy like me, it WILL come back to haunt you. I know, I thought I was invincible too.

8. Dumbbell weights. I like to start simple since it takes me awhile just to pick the weight off the ground let alone hang on to it for a few reps. Probably the most helpful exercise for me using dumbbells is just straightening out both my arms parallel to the ground and then lifting them up, holding, then releasing. Repeat.

9. Turpentine. This should be used immediately after the injury for relief.

10. Probably the most important is a positive attitude. If you don’t think your shoulder is ever going heal; it won’t. Guaranteed.

What injury exercises work for you? Doesn't necessarily have to be a shoulder injury.

Leave a comment.

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