Knowing what is Wrong.

I wake up in pain every morning,

the alarm screaming in my ear like an undisciplined child

half the time I’m fighting back the tears

that love to caress these eyes

like the evening before, when I was sad

thinking about the guilt of my youth, all mistakes made

howling at me as if I’m rolling in my own filth

take me back, this can’t be the real me

why did I do this, not do that

took up all these bad habits, am I becoming mad?

Most of the time I start to believe it when,

Just a few years before, I recovered from a bad addiction

Needing something, just anyone to see

Too many did indeed, and here I am

Every day, all day

Feeding this mind, becoming more ashamed

Of the scars on my arms, taunting every belief

I used to have, this can’t be what life is about

I know it’s dumb to say, but churches to me

Are just a lath, carving fear into the brains

Of innocent minds, train wrecks ready to happen

It’s exhausting, coming home

Laying down, knowing I put on an act

Talking to people, smiling at strangers

Lying to myself and others,

That I am fine, but it’s no secret to me,

That this mind is far from sleeping.

I go to bed every night. Suffering.

And yet, it pleases me.

Learning to Write with a Pencil

I have a confession to make. This might seem like something silly and dumb, but I’m going to write about it anyway. Prepare for the cheesiest blog post you’ll ever read.

I used to hate people who write with pencils. It’s like a secret jealously I had. It seemed to always be the same people... who had the perfect assignments, the perfect projects, perfect examinations, everything just so perfectly flawless. Literally. I found this frustrating. Why can’t they write in pen? Where they don’t have to stop and annoy the rest of the class with their repetitive sharpening of the dull lead in a middle of an exam. Or leave their eraser shavings all over the desk and ground as they left the room – so someone who wrote with a pen could come along and throw the shavings to the ground so the pen writers don’t have to have residue left on their belongings. Or even worse, some of the pencil writers even had to have a certain kind of pencil to write with or they would practically refused to write notes for the class.

Perhaps these pencil writers had a pattern in their lives? Maybe they ate breakfast every morning because they knew if they didn’t, they wouldn’t be able to perform to their best of ability for the rest of the day. To sharpen up a pencil doesn’t sound like a lot of work when you know it will help make things perform better. Or maybe these pencil writers took the time every day to do some exercising and self-meditating to make sure their bodies and minds were in sync with each other. To find the perfect balance in their lives because they knew the importance of staying healthy. This is probably why finding the perfect pencil is so important to some people. Or perhaps these pencil writers had a friend they took the time to talk to – to push the stress and anxiety out of their lives and to allow things to fall in place, allow the past to stay, and to keep moving forward in life. If you view the eraser shavings as fixing mistakes and moving on to succeed rather than a nuisance that is annoying and needs to be cleaned up so it’s not left as residue for someone else.  There is so many explanations of why a writer would write with a pencil. To be able to find a balance, fix mistakes, move forward, and help them ace life without dwelling on their mistakes and letting others see them.

To a pen writer, this sound absolutely ridiculous. Who has the time to find the perfect pencil? It’s just lead in the end. To sharpen is a waste of time. Sometimes it takes several minutes, or even a new pencil when the lead breaks, to find the perfect end point! And to erase is a joke. Who has time to flip the pencil around, spend time doing some squiggles around the mistakes just to correct them… when it is much easier to stroke them out? Why would someone go to the trouble of fixing the mistakes, when you can finish the assignment much faster?

I’m almost 19 years old and I’m just learning how to write with a pencil.

Why?

Because I just realized that ink is permanent. The scratched out mistakes are always going to be there no matter how many strokes you try to make. In fact, the more strokes there is, the worse it looks. No matter how many times I look back at my past, those mistakes are always popping out at me and I try to hide them under more layers of ink. Even white out eventually peels away. Mistakes seem to be worse in pen – maybe it’s just in my mind but I’m beginning to wonder if eventually other people will see these mistakes. And that’s not the kind of person I want to remembered for – the girl who wrote her life in pen.

I want to be a pencil writer. Who have it all together. Who spends her time preparing for a healthy morning – sharpening my pencil… making things better. I want to be able to spend time fixing mistakes by erasing them – dealing with problems as they happen and spend some time to find a better solution rather than waiting until later to try to eliminate them by strokes of ink. Because one day someone is going to read my story – my life. And I don’t all my mistakes popping out at them.

I don’t want to be a pen writer anymore.

Persuasion

On dark cold nights, I will keep you warm

Wrap you in blankets, and serve you hot tea

Staring in your eyes, letting the past stay behind

Through thick and thin, I will be at your side

This is a promise –
                           remember me

Don’t say a word, this is the true me

I will fight for you, and take you away

Holding you in my arms, no sign of letting go

Nothing can get between us, you are mine

This is a statement – we were meant to be

I will build you fires, even dig you a lake

I’m falling off a cliff, and you’re coming with me

Be sure to stay quiet, you are only mine

Until the end of time, I know I am what you want

Stay here – you don’t need to go anywhere

I care about you, if you cannot tell

But you don’t act upon, and that hurts beyond belief

I will make you stay, I am yours to keep

You must believe, do not turn your cheek

Just be sure to close your eyes –
                          before I shoot you in the heart

But remember me.

On dark cold nights, I will keep you warm

Wrap you in blankets, and serve you hot tea

Staring in your eyes, letting the past stay behind

Through thick and thin, I will be at your side

This is a promise –
                          forgive me

Running Away

I think I know enough now to know both worlds

The village, an isolated community

A city, the building prison.

----------------------------------------------------

The prairies are a trap of their own,

The golden blanket acting as no escaping gate

You could run for miles and still be seen

A neighbor will always be there; waiting, suffocating.

Whether it’s for condolences or judgemental gossip

Documenting every aspect of your life,

you cannot avoid. There’s no running away here.

Your story is always told,

Even if you are not there

------------------------------------------------------

The urban place is like an untamed zoo

People in a rush to do the same things,

A daily routine – work, sleep, maybe eat.

There is no time to waste,

When you’re already wasting time

Wait, stop. Red light. Am I choking?

Look at the buildings, topping over you

Is that the sun or a dim streetlight?

As if you’re trapped in a revolving door, not knowing

Caught staring, at the outside world.

-------------------------------------------------------

Are you going to come with me?

Surprise.

If people understood just how lonely the road

They would have laughed and known

There’s a different path to take

It’s much easier they say

Down on Exult Way

The choice

Is mostly

Yours

Maybe.

So

End it now

Wipe that scowl

Before I steal it away

Ha! You don’t get any say

For which adventure is yours

It just may be the devil at the door

Quick, don’t look, it’s already chosen you

Before you know it, you scared yourself too

This is real, now it won’t go away, knock, knock,

Boo.

100,000 km . I've always wanted to but never been.

It was kinda ironic. You know. When I drove into the city for the first time with myself behind the wheel. With the odometer rolling over to 100,000 km. With all the anxiety building up. Not sure whether or not to trust my GPS. Trying to keep up with my parents in front of me, not letting any vehicles between us. Pretending that I knew that I was going to be okay. Listening to my sister’s repetitive, stern instructions to keep up, don’t slow down, and to stop panicking. Obviously what I thought was secret feelings of nervousness and overwhelming thoughts were not as invisible as I thought they were. But that was 25 days ago, and things have just been in fast forward since.

My cousin has been so generous as to give me a job for the month of August. I had worked for July but my work contract had ended on Aug 1 and I was in need of some desperate cash and I knew I couldn’t have afforded to not have worked this month. Anyway, I’ve been working for Tara and it’s been really quite the experience. Not just the work itself but living in the city in general. I have been fortunate enough to have a wonderful family here that is helping me build a foundation to know how to survive in the city. And yes, oh my gosh, did (and do!) I have lots of lessons to learn.

The job I currently have definitely has pushed my personality into a direction I didn’t think I ever would be able to do. I will be the first to admit that I don’t really have the best initiation or social skills so this job has been great practice for me to try to increase my abilities in those ways. Another challenging thing for me was having a great deal of patience and being able to truly multi-task and I think that it has notably increased in multitude in the past few weeks no doubt. I am grateful for these experiences.

On a different note, something that has been extremely challenging for me as of lately is swallowing the fact that I am on my own. For the first two weeks, I had my dog with me up here in the city since my mom was in the States for some medical treatments and my dad works 15 hour days. I just “returned” my best friend this past weekend - so late sleeping has been the trend of lately. This week has been hard because I wake up alone and I go to bed alone. & to think that this is going to be the norm for the next 4 years, is so hard to get over. Sure it’s just a dog in the end; but it’s something that allows me to be in comfort, and gives me a reason to wake up in the morning. It’s hard to explain I guess.

I could be writing blog posts for days to explain the fun adventures that I have encountered and been fortunate enough to be part of here in the city. I took my sister and her boyfriend to the Exhibition here as a return on helping me move in. I’ve also went outside the city to the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night about 2 weeks ago to watch a mini meteor shower with Tara. I’ve also been able to join my uncle and Tara in looking at showrooms which was entertaining to say the least. Also, I am thankful that I had been asked to join Tara and her friend to practice their photography one night that overlooked downtown of the city on the fifteenth floor. One weekend, I even had the privilege to join Tara and Uncle Larry at the lake for some rest and relaxation that included swimming off a pontoon boat in the middle of lake. Fun! Now this weekend, I have had the SUPER privilege of 2 Labour Day classic tickets. My family spoils me so much!! I am pretty pumped to go. I have always wanted to go but I’ve never been. I think my dad might try to join me.
Another fun adventure that I’m apart of, is working the Cool Cart at a car show here in the city this weekend. Tara is entering her 1966 Ford Galaxy. It’s pretty sweet. I’m looking forward to that as well.

As for the future, I’m pretty sad to see August come and go so fast. University Orientation is on Tuesday and then classes begin the next day. I’m not sure if I’m ready for this.

101,600 km. That’s what my odometer reads now. I’ve gone somewhere… even if I never traveled all those kilometers myself.

Struggling You.

Here I’m sitting in the kitchen with my netbook up on the table, forcing my fingers to move along the keys typing things that I don’t really want to, thinking about things that I’ve been trying to avoid, and listening to a song that I found on a new blog that I’ve been reading. Everyone needs to check out Wild Country by Wake Owl. Wow. That’s music my friends. Exactly my style that I absolutely love, that I could put on repeat for days and days and still be moved by the words that are sung. Anyway. I should stop procrastinating and just get to what it is that I (don’t) want to write. --

Dear struggling highschool you,

Why do you care so much? About the things you think other people do? Is it worth losing sleep worrying about the things you do? Trust me, staying up late rereading quickly scribbled notes for a class that could have easily put you asleep is not worth it. You’re only going to do as good as what your potential is. And frankly, maybe science isn’t your thing after all. Accept it, admit it, move on. Falling to peer pressure is not worth it either. You definitely did not need to funnel who-knows-what in 4 seconds flat, just to be cheered on for 5 seconds after. No crowd lifts a drunk high in the air without dropping them eventually anyway. And nobody deserves broken bones. Or a burning throat. Forcing yourself to do things you hate isn’t worth it either. If you don’t like an extracurricular activity, don’t do it. Sounds simple, but it’s pretty hard when the majority of your friends are involved and all you want to do and all you want to achieve is just to be simply accepted. That’s why you signed up in the first place, right? Oh, innocent grade six you, if you only knew… to belong should never have to sacrifice. It’s okay to quit what you hate. Medals on the wall do not replace the weekends and time you missed for your family. Period. It’s okay to feel alone sometimes. There’s no worse feeling than seeing a hallway full of people, but having no one to share the space beside you with. Embrace that moment. This is where you’re going to learn who truly are inside. Don’t let the negative feelings and thoughts consume you – they lie, and they steal. You’re worth it. Keep doing what you’re doing, because you are strong. Don’t let anything or anyone tell you otherwise. Always, always, always believe this. Get help if you can’t. You’re going to make mistakes. Learn from them. Because you’re going to grow from no matter what you did. And nobody wants to grow up to be a weed. Weeds aren’t cool… and nobody likes weeds :). Do not judge. You were once that kid who didn’t have a friend to hang around with because your weirdness was just too much for a person to handle. Don’t let other people hear you speak an opinion about someone else. Ever. If you absolutely feel like you have to, keep those thoughts to yourself. Always do. Because those thoughts are going to be running back, and the finger will be pointing at you. Be honest with yourself. Do not trick yourself into thinking that driving with a drunk driver is ever okay. It’s not. Because eventually you’re going to start to believe that it’s okay for YOU to drive drunk. And that is never, ever okay. Your life is worth so much more than that 15 cent 60 oz empty bottle you just wasted on that yield sign at the intersection before last. There’s so much more to life than drunken nights and smashed glass. Don’t believe those who tell you differently – because they do not know what to think. There is so many cliques. Honestly, you can’t avoid them. It’s of human nature to want to feel like you belong. Find one that you can be you in. You should never feel uncomfortable or awkward. Unless you actually are awkward… then find awkward people like you and talk about the awkward things you do. Maybe you aren’t actually awkward and all this time you thought that you were awkward, you were actually normal. More normal than skinny jeans, fake nails, and big boobs anyway. Mature men don’t play with barbies. That’s all I’m going to say. Take some time for you. Do the things you like to do. Feed those entertaining thoughts, and be creative with who you are. You’re going to go far in life. You’re going to achieve things you would never believe you ever could. This loneliness will pass. And when you graduate, you will never, ever look back. Because those are just memories and lessons learned. It’s time to move on at last. Always remember. This is you. This is your life. These are your choices.

Take care of yourself,

A new ME

SIDE NOTE: A new Video of the Week has been posted. It seems like years since I changed that, soooo you should check it out. Also write me comments. Lots of them. Because comments are cool. And I think you're cool. :) :D

Falling, Calling, Taken Away

It’s four hundred degrees but your skin is still cold,

My friend, what have you become?

Take me back where you belong.

This doesn’t feel right anymore

Sitting there with that sweater on, singing some song

You make me feel as if some kind of animal,

Swimming in shallow waters, late in the fall

You always catch me off guard,

My friend where have you gone?

It’s like amazing grace, but without the found,

This won’t make sense to the average,

But to you I’m a savage,

So watch me drown, going down

You’re eating me away like algae in the sea,

No gain, no more pain as your fee, I’m free,

My friend who have you become?

My body, what have you done.

We’re gone.

Freedom.

Dark before Light

When I close my eyes,

I see perfection in all it’s dreams

When I open my eyes,

I see darkness with all it’s realities.

If you asked me why

I would not have an answer

For this is how’s it’s been for a long time

Seeking happiness in all this madness

Sweetness can not bite bitter, even if it had tried.

When I close my ears,

I hear the music swell up my mind

When I open my ears

I hear each tick of the rhythmic tock

haunting me with it’s long, ugly hands

reminding me of all the little risks,

Life can not beat death, even if it had tried.

Waiting in Line - keys to helping yourself in highschool

There’s about a month left until I graduate and I can honestly say I think I’m ready. In fact, I know I am. There’s a few things that I must confess before I graduate and that is: 1 It’s been a rollercoaster ride to get here and 2 I can’t believe that this is all happening.

I’m going to be writing a little blog entry on what school and highschool was like for me but it’s going to take time and it’s definitely not going to happen before graduation. I’ll promise I’ll write the good, the bad, and the ugly. For right now though, I wanted to write a little “Highschool Survival List”. And trust me, I am no expert. Here are some little tips/things to expect in highschool that I’ve learned – mostly the hard way.

1.       Always stay true to who you are. I heard this one about a million times but it was just something that I never really thought about. Yes, I believed the statement to be true, but I never really followed or practice the thought. Not enough anyway.

2.       Peer pressure is good. Say what? Yes, peer pressure is great actually! It’s realistic. There’s going to be friends who tell you what it is you need to be doing to be accepted. The trick is to not let it fall through and let it break that ‘wall’ of sense of wrong doing… if that makes sense. Cigarettes, alcohol, drugs…. are all things, yes, my very friends experimented with and half the time wanted to see me practice as well. Of course I broke that ‘wall’ of wrong-doing more than once, but I knew that peer pressure had helped me set my own boundaries and what my limits were going to be for the future.

3.       Don’t leave homework & studying until the morning of. (Yes, I said morning of… not night of!). I can’t count the number of times I thought I could cram a 2 month unit in my brain in less than hour. Yes, it worked sometimes, but I knew I could do a good 10-20% better if only I had studied… at least the night before ;) . Also, don’t use facebook as a reward for a 5 minute ‘skimmed the page’. It never is a good idea and you’ll be on facebook for about triple the amount of time you should have been studying.

4.       Friends don’t care about you. True friends do actually care how I’m feeling. But not all my friends actually want to hear about how awful my day has been or why I’m pissed off at the world. Lay off, find some rewind time and don’t let it bother  you that all you get is one word texts as a reply to your 3 paragraph essay on why you’re feeling down. True friends will pick up their keys and come visit you if you really do need someone – just be patient with yourself. Things do come back together.

5.       The teacher is not your problem. Yes, perhaps they could have explained that question better, or translated a confusing essay prompt that seems to be written in another language into English. But it’s not like you bothered to ask when they initially written it on the assignment sheet. I can’t tell you how many times I blamed the teacher when I should have just been easily blamed myself and get on with what I had to do! Blame game is not cool.

6.       Do not take calculus 30 online. This. Is. Just. Awful.

7.       Have some compassion. Don’t laugh at someone because everyone else is. Don’t be afraid to shut some people up too. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten the nasty glares flashed back at me when I told people to shut their fat mouths. Remember (and it sounds corny, but it’s true!): Bullies hate to be called bullies. Don’t make stuff up about friends you aren’t certain is true either. I can’t stress this one enough. Not cool.

8.       It’s okay not to know what you’re going to do after you graduate. I didn’t choose something until October of my grade twelve year. I still don’t know if it’s what I want to do!

9.       Don’t tell secrets if you don’t want anybody to know. It sounds self explanatory, but I have struggled with this for a long time! It’s so easy to “be in the moment” and let loose of all those stupid/crazy emotions but I can guarantee the next morning there’s going to be people you didn’t even realize you knew asking you some questions.

10.   Find someone to talk to. Which, yes, sounds contradictory to the last point, but if you find the right person, it’s very important. Don’t let them down by giving up on yourself. It has taken me a long time to realize that, Hey, I’m pretty important to. There’s  a reason for everything and everyone and I truly do believe that everyone has a purpose.

11.   Not having a boyfriend is okay. I didn’t need one anyway… they are too much work!

12.   Be rebellious – have some fun. Just because you know you might get in trouble with your parents, doesn’t mean you can’t break your curfew a few times. The trust will eventually form back. Thanks mom and dad … :)

13.   Find something you enjoy doing. Pick a sport, do a hobby, do something. Live today like it’s your last day you’re going to spend on YOURSELF. I say it’s okay to be selfish sometimes. This blog, listening to music, going for drives, and some other things has made me sane the last few years. Pick SOMETHING.

14.   Only say you don’t have time to do something when you actually don’t have time! There is nothing worse than being caught in doing something you said you weren’t going to be doing and never being able to earn that good reputation back. Tell people you don’t have time when you actually don’t, and the trust will be built even stronger and yes, you will be more respected because of it.

15.   Be Happy. Stay Happy. I could add a million more tips/hints that have helped me throughout my short years, but it won’t help if you are never going to be satisfied. Bottom line: if you aren’t happy what you’re doing with your life, do something different. If you aren’t happy with yourself, figure out who you really are. If you don’t like where you’re at in life, be the change. You are the only one who can do what you do, be who you are, and be the change you need to have. So do it! It’s not going to happen overnight, but it’s not going to happen on it’s own either. What are you waiting for? Today could be your last day.

What are some things that you would have added to this list? Leave a comment below.

Quick Update on Life

I’ve been staring at the “What’s happening, Haley?” in the status box on facebook for awhile. I have a million answers for that question yet I don’t think anyone, including myself, wants to hear what I have to say. Many things have to do with what I’m actually thinking (which 9 times out of 10 is anger/frustrations I have), other things are about the future and what’s in store for my millionaire self, and strangely enough there’s a part of me that wants to write questions to God. Ellen Degeneres’ stand up comedy is so accurate – what if you could have a phone call with God? I don’t think I would be alone when I say my question would have to be… what is my purpose? – “Hey God, it’s Ellen *long pause* …. Ellen Degeneres?….” Hahaha classic.

So, facebook, this is what’s going on.

I have accepted my admission into the U of R. I will be taking Business Administration with a (possible) major in Marketing in the Fall. I’m going to rich, world, don’t you doubt it. I’ve been offered a whopping $3,000 scholarship (Centennial Merit Plus) just as an automatic. I had an opportunity to accept an additional $3,500 in scholarship funds ($6,500 in total) IF I had agreed to taking my first year at Great Plains College as a U of R student however, I painstakingly declined it. Most people will call me crazy, but I had already had my mind set in Regina and I wasn’t about to break a promise with a friend who had plans to live with me. You also can’t put a price on family :) I’m currently filling out more scholarship applications but it’s been a slow process.

I’ve been busy with basketball. Between helping coach the Jr. Girls and commitment with my own team, my time has been essentially based on’ ball time’. Which I have to admit, I sometimes hate. The attempt to try to balance between ball and school seems to be an impossible task. It seems like I can’t be committed to both at the same time. It’s either half committed to ball or half committed to school but never at the same time - if that makes any sense. But either way, I don’t have time for the main thing about these two things. Myself. It sounds selfish, but time with myself is soooo important to me. It’s things like this, blogging, or journaling, or sleeping, or walking my dog, or whatever, that I know I *NEED*. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so crazy/irritated/grumpy gills with everything lately.

I have my grad dress (yeah! An actual dress!). Anybody that actually knows me, knows that this is a huge achievement for me. It’s also a color that you’ll never picture me wearing either! Yep, it’s magenta… aka dark pink for all who are like me and have no idea what proper color/dress/girly/prissy words mean. :) Crazy, right? hehe. – No, I don’t have an escort yet haha.

Just today, I applied for a summer job. I wanted to broaden my resume a bit so I thought I would apply for something I haven’t done before. I have my fingers crossed for employment with Honey Bee Manufacturing Ltd! If I get a position there, it’ll be my eighth job I’ve had since I was eleven. So broadening, yes! I decided I didn’t need to stress about having three different jobs again this year so I just did it. Also wanted to be home for the last time to help out with mom and be with my Gracie. No regrets.

Our Quebec/Ottawa trip is coming up soon. It feels like we’ve been fundraising for this trip FOREVER. COME SOONER EASTER!! Thanks to all who’ve supported our fundraising efforts! It helps us greatly in terms of financially needs! Woot woot. What a great community. :)

That’s all I can write for now! 

Re connection with Faith, God & Me

I feel the need to write what I’m about to even though I’m a bit embarrassed (even though I shouldn’t be) and afraid of what some might think. I’m going to do it anyways. Agh, Here I go! -- Around 2000/2001ish, I was/felt closely connected with God. I remember having “talks with Him” at bed time (yes, mom, now you know haha) and thanking him for family and asking that he take care of my mom, my dad, my sister, and my grandparents and to make sure he gave my heaven homies a hello. Of course, this was all in six year old language. I wore a cross that my parents gave me for Christmas and I remember always having visions of God and what Christ looked like, etc etc. Then in 2001, when my grandpa died, we stopped attending church regularly. My mom is going to kill me for posting this on the internet for everyone to read about but, really, it’s not a secret to anybody. We would go to church only on special occasions – like Easter and Christmas but that connection with God had started to fade. However, I continued to hold the cross close to my heart and continued to pray at night and asked millions of questions and even though it had faded, the connection still existed despite the break between family and the church. For awhile, I was honestly quite genuinely happy. However, this had changed. Not suttely, not in an ‘ease’, or slip, but more like a switch. The connection went from on to OFF within an hour. Let me explain. – throughout my youth, suffering had not been foreign to me.(Don’t think I’m writing a sob story either – I am NOT wanting/needing sympathy from ANYBODY. Got it? Got it :) ) -- In fact, I was forced to understand why dad couldn’t be with mom, my sister, and myself growing up (why he couldn’t be at birthday parties, couldn’t attend kindergarten graduations, why he would be home just for an overnight visit and be gone by the time I would wake up the next morning, etc). I was forced to deal with tragic events – trying to understand cancer’s consequences and what tragic death really is all before I was 10 (why Grandpa Ken can’t bring me to the bar anymore to buy me an orange pop, why I won’t ever be able to meet with my Uncle Joe, why I wasn’t able to get to know my Grandma LaJune better, why Aunt Margaret and two of her children had to be ripped from the world because of an idiot drunk driver, why Grandpa Jack couldn’t recognize his own son or grand children, why, why, why, all this asking of why.) This was all very hard to cope. But I managed because my family managed. All these things mattered – but they didn’t. These were things that happened but had no reason – no reason that we know or understand of yet. 2008 is the year I stopped wearing the cross. It was the year that the only person who I could relate to, that understood, that didn’t care how many questions I asked or what the questions were, who I helped take care of and bring meals almost every day, etc., was taken by the flames of her burning house. It was the year my mother was officially diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. It was the year of hate. I cannot express the anger I had towards God. So much, I dare say I stopped believing. All prayers stopped, I only went to church unless I absolutely had to (if I was asked to read, etc), and God was not allowed to be apart of my life, in my opinion, at that time. Sure, struggle was not foreign to me by this time, but I had had enough. I don’t know how many times I cursed the name Jesus Christ. Happiness was a feeling I had forgotten – seriously. – Flash forward. 2012. The year of realization. Long story, short, I met this woman who would change my view of God and Christianity what I know will be forever. I didn’t/don’t really know her. In fact, when I first met her I didn’t even know who she was at all (besides the fact that she was a kickass college basketball player). But I remember having this feeling whenever I was around her. The best way I can explain it is that it was overwhelming happiness. She had this energy level of literally “God like” and it was all I could do to listen to her, follow every single piece of advice she had to give, etc.. Nancy was the one who reminded me of what Happiness felt like again. I looked up to her. But I knew I couldn’t see/be around her forever and I was so upset about this, I bawled and bawled because I didn’t want this amazing, powerful, feeling to leave me. After admitting this to her, she told me one thing that I will never forget. She said, “You know Haley, I know the secret to Happiness. Do you want to hear it?” Trying not to bawl even harder I said, “Yeah, I do”. And like I said, it is something I will never forget;… she said, “… it’s God”. And the truth had spoken for me. It sounds cheesy, ridiculous, stupid, whatever, but my life had changed from that day after. It’s been a slow process, but I’m getting there. I’ve been starting to pray again. Starting to bring God back in my life, because I know I need Him. Starting to understand the “why’s” of life. Starting to study, learn, and read more about the LDS faith because I feel it’s truth. Starting to realize.

God gave me life because I have a purpose and I need to fulfill that purpose. Someday I will know what it was that God needed me for, but until then I’m going to keep going, keep fighting, keep struggling, keep seeking truth. Because I know my life is worth something.

How has your connection been with God lately?