Sunday, 12 January 2014

Catch a Glimpse of the Embarrassments

The title of this blog probably will end up being the title of my first novel. Involuntarily, that is. But I decided perhaps it was time to share some of the funny (not-so-funny) moments that have happened in my life. Of course, this can’t even be considered a summary. My whole life has revolved around humiliation, embarrassment, and degradation. But I’ve accepted that a long time ago, thus here I’m sharing some of these memories with you.

Phase I:

Here you see a picture of me doing a handstand. Well, an attempt at one anyway. I think my max time this has ever lasted was about 0.316329 seconds This happened to me every year when “gymnastics unit” was due for phys ed. My phys ed teacher had no mercy whatsoever for people who were not willing to participate in this VERY humiliating two weeks out of the school year, self-tortuous activity. Unfortunately, for lack of my benefit, the majority of my phys ed class celebrated at the fact that it was GYMNASTIC WEEK. I never understood this and always asked myself what the hell was wrong with them!? But then I remembered these people were not overweight, nor disproportionate, and had the natural gift of balance and elegance. I, on the other hand, did not. So, I suffered humiliation just so I didn’t get screamed at on how useless I was when it came to physical activity.

So this is what always concluded for me. Every gymnastics week. Every year.

Until I had enough of it and dropped the subject in grade twelve. POINT ONE FOR HALEY!!

Phase II:
My sister and I always spent our summer days down at the pool when we were younger. Rain or shine, I don’t think there were too many days when we decided not to go for our daily swim. When I was about seven years old or so though, my sister and her friend invited me to tag along (most likely I invited myself, but nevertheless). After our fantastic swim, my sister and I got into a bit of a brawl. I don’t even remember what exactly it was about (probably something stupid as per usual) and she refused to wait for me. Her and her friend quickly got onto their bikes and sped off as quickly as they could, giggling away, knowing fair well I wouldn’t be able to catch up since I hadn’t even completely put my sandals on. However, I thought I could catch up. So as I was screaming at them “wait up!!! WAIT UP!!! HARMONYYY!!!! WAIT” I quickly threw my towel and bag over my shoulder and hopped on my bike and started pedaling down main street. “Haley, you’re fine!” my sister said bitterly at me, not showing any signs of slowing down. So, at an attempt to make her feel as awful as I was feeling, I started bawling my eyes out. “Please!! Wait” and so the biggest mistake I would ever make riding my bike was about to happen. I decided to stand up to pedal (because as a kid you have this idea in your head that if you stand up, you’re able to pedal faster…. Oh and it definitely looks cool ;) ). I got up to great speeds actually!

Now think about this for a minute. I just had got out of the pool. So my feet are wet, my body is wet, everything wet. This makes it slippery to pedal. So sure enough, my feet slipped. As I tried to place them back on the pedals, it served as absolutely failure and I’m pretty sure at this point, my life flashed before my eyes. My butt… also… slipped. Behind. On the wheels. Cheeks between the wheel. Yes. At top speeds.

I couldn’t walk for a week. & my sister got a slap on the wrist. Thanks mom.

Phase III:
I’ve always found it difficult to make new friends. So, this past semester whenever someone ever introduced themselves, I got a little excited. You know, as a girl with very little friends, this was a once-in-a-lifetime-experience. I WAS ACTUAL GOING TO MAKE A FRIEND. PINCH. ME.

I’m also very socially awkward, so I’m not exactly sure what to do when someone says, “Hi, my name is________”. Here’s what some of the conversations sounded like:

*In Math 103 class*
Friend: “Hey, my name is Alyssa.”
Me: “oh Hi. I’m Haley.”
Me: “are you in math 103?”
Me: *picks up stuff, finds GPS, nearest cliff please*
*At Orientation*
Friend: “Hey, what faculty are you in?”
Me: “Southwest Sask. Do you know where Swift Current is?”

Alright. So those may have been a tad exaggerated. Or made up. One of the two. I’ll let you choose. 
But I’m still socially awkward and I’m pretty sure stuff like this happens to me all the time.

Here’s me going in for the “meet me handshake”.

Phase IV:
When I first got my drivers’ licence, I think I was like most 16 year olds. We have this belief that we are each our own world class driver. Of course, I’m stupid, and when stupid is confident… well, everyone knows that bad things are going happen.

Not to mention, at the time I drove a ’93 Chevrolet Lumina. If you are looking to buy an indestructible, monster truck sounding, low riding vehicle, then do my parents have a car for you! Picture, a cement boat on wheels. That doesn’t ever dent, scratch, or damage in anyway. I mean, the antifreeze hose only blew up once and my sister thought she killed one of our piano teacher’s cats (true story) because “OH MY GOD, BLOOD IS EVERYWHERE”. Hence, the antifreeze was red. But that is a different story.
Anyway, I have many embarrassing stories to tell of Louie the Lumina but only two really stick out in my mind.

One time I was heading back late at night from our neighboring town where I went to highschool from a basketball practice. It was pitch dark outside and I had horrible judgement. There was also construction going on at the time, but of course, the construction workers were not working thus I remain driving 20 km over the speed limit. [idiot]. On the right side of the road, there were pilones - and not just any pylons… these were the big bad boys that are about two and a half feet tall and a foot and a half wide. Anyway, an oncoming vehicle was approaching and believing that I had enough room between the pylons and the oncoming vehicle, I crept closer to the pylons to allow for the safe passing of the oncoming vehicle. I misjudged.

I smoked about five or six pylons before my mind kicked in to slow down [idiot move again]. I must have hit them pretty hard because I remember seeing sparks. I pulled over the side of the road thinking I must have busted the headlight or at least dented the bumper pretty good.
Nope. Not a single scratch.

The second story I have of Louie is the time that I decided to park in a “handi-capped” zone with the belief that I knew of no one in town to own a handi-capped sticker for their vehicle anyway. [selfish idiot]. I was also in a hurry and wanted to appear “cool” in front of my friends. So instead, of slowing parking, taking keys out and getting out of the vehicle like a normal person, I decided that I was going to park in record time. I floored the gas, turn the wheels 90 degrees and BAM!! Hit that damn sign. And not a single scratch or dent to prove it. Gotta love the Lumina.

Phase V:

When I was about ten years old, I broke my wrist. I believe it was at the end of June so half of my summer was ruined with a giant ass cast on my arm (I swear the cast was meant to be put on someone that was six hundred pounds). As desperate as I was, I wasn’t about to let it get me down. If my friends were going to enjoy that pool, frick sakes, I was going to too. I would spend about twenty minutes wrapping my arm in garbage bags and would get my mom to duct tape all around it. I wish she would have put a stop to it.
Now I have pictures. Pictures of me, holding up my hideous, bagged and taped arm, holding it high in the air not wanting it to get wet while I was chest deep in water. I did that for the whole summer.

Oh God, why.

What's some of your most embarrassing moments? Don't forget to comment, share, and submit your vote on the poll (above Blog Archives on the left). You only have a few days left to vote!

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Mom said...

Oh my I laughed so hard only you would write about your embarrasing moments..way to funny!

Aunty A. :) said...

Hey great post--love the humor and as you get older you will only be able to add more embarrassing moments as they keep happening thru life. :)

Aunty Bonnie said...

Love this one the best, Humor is the best medicine!