"Give me journal topics". And it did. And I picked one. And it made me think. Alot.
A few years ago now, I had written a blog on here about coming back to God. I wrote about how powerful His love is and how I started to trust Him again. I described how I was feeling much more encouraged by my new chapter and how He was going to be included all throughout the pages of my life. I presented myself as a seeker; a seeker of truth. Well, I think you know where this is going.
That chapter was very short lived. I had moved away.
Since then, I have really gotten to know myself more, accept how I am, and be somewhat prideful of who I am. And yet I have still felt like I had something missing. It simply wasn't enough.
It should have been obvious that I was missing Jesus in my life. I was trying though and a part of me just didn't understand why I couldn't let Jesus in. I'd try praying, try seeking out His Word, doing studies, etc..
And gradually, I came to the realization that I couldn't just seek Him. By definition, the word "seek" is an attempt to achieve, desire, or find (something). The word "follow" means to go or come after. What's the difference?
To seek leaves room for doubt in an action and the possibility of never succeeding. To follow is much more deliberate in terms of action. It's not pausing at doubt - it continues to go on and on and on, no matter the consequences, no matter the cost, because without any stopping, there's a reason to follow. A reward in following is simply not a strong enough expression.
Accept the cost. Accept the consequences. To accept Jesus. Wow. That's some big stuff at a big price.
I would imagine alot of people claim they are followers of Jesus. But the reality is, that there is actually only very select few who follow Him truthfully. But I am no one to judge. Not only because I am not God, but also because if I look in the mirror, I know in my heart I am not one of those select few. Or even on the "waitlist"
And the longing for Him aches because I know I will always be missing that piece.
The cost, as I viewed it, was not something I could afford. To follow Him meant to no longer do or be me. Not that God is asking us to change who we are, but He wants followers who are willing to accept His ways. And I was kicking and screaming for the longest time.
Sometimes I still am kicking and screaming on the floor, holding out my hand like a child in the supermarket who can't have the candy they want, tears in my eyes pleaing out "why can't you stay with me?" As if I was indirectly asking Jesus, to follow ME instead. Jesus does not follow. He leads, He knows the way and He can only wait so long.
When I follow His love, act on His Word, and praise God with my heart, I feel much more energy then ever before. And it makes me happy, less fearful, and more compliant each day to get up from the supermarket floor and walk beside Him.
I am now a Christian as of last year. An "Official" Christian, if that's a thing. Who does not seek, but follows. And sometimes the cost is very, very high. But this time, I am not moving anywhere.
Journal topic: "Describe a time in your life you realized you were no longer close with God. Who moved?"
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