Sunday, 26 February 2012

Old entry #4 - Hating my own Attitude

Just so everyone knows, I’m importing all my old entries from my other blog site onto this one so everything is all here. YAY. Put down your comments. Right now.

Hating my own Attitude

Lately, I have been catching myself being so miserable. I literally had to stop myself mid sentence in countless conversations and say aloud, "Why am I talking like this?". After taking a moment and realizing the reason why I was, I took the initiative to stop the conversation and say, "I'm done." I get so frustrated with the situation or problem or myself, that all I could be is simply angry. Meanwhile, I was forgetting that I was only making the scenario worse, by acting so. Why? Why do I insist on making that choice to do so? I believe that it is because I have been doing it for so long, that I have gotten immune to my own outbursts, negative thinking, and attitude.

It is only recent that I had decided I wanted to TRY to be satisfied, grateful, and happy. (i.e. Satifraction blog). I have realized I am exactly who I don't want to be. Maybe that is why I dislike people who are this way - because I am really just them.

I can't even remember when I didn't speak or think the way I do. It seems like even in my elementary grades I was always angry. It didn't help that I am so self conscience about, well - everything 'me'. At the time, there were only 3 other kids in my grade; a set of twins and little Noah ;) hehe. The thing was; I was always two feet taller than them (until grade seven/eight or so). No, that isn't an exaggeration. Of course, since I was way bigger than them I was outrageously embarassed. I was always the slowest, least athletic kid in phys ed class - which class I loved dearly but could never really enjoy. My first mistake in elementary school: taking all this anger out on them. Not in a bully sense, but more as in 'taking charge'. I NEEDED to be the leader in everything. I think there is a kid in every grade that's like that. :(

About grade six is when I grew out of that nonsense. It is a regret I still have plunged in the back of my mind. I suppose at that time I had realized that wasn't who I wanted to be or be remembered as. After all, it was the last year we were going to be enrolled in our small town school - it was closing. More anger grew inside of me after we were shipped over to our new school... more blame, more hate, more regrets were formed during the next years.

I think the past year or so I have improved muchly in the sense of my outbursts and pessimism acts. I know I am my own problem. I know I want to change and be different. My issue now is exactly what this blog is about:

Secret anger.

I hate. I scowl. I regret. I keep all the impatience inside me.

And I don't even know why.

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