Which is sadder (if that’s not a word; it is now) : a mindful of thoughts but no words to spare, or a million words spared but no thought at all? I’ve wanted to write for awhile but I can’t decide if I have a thousand things to say, or nothing to say at all. If I really am excited about all these things going on in my life, or no absolute feeling about them.

I think I have decided that I will be applying for Business Administration in the incoming year. It seems to just stick when I think about it. For those of you who have no idea what that is, it basically is classified as a mid-level management (or in operational) processes of a business. The majority of the business administration career is used for leading and controlling specialized sections of a business that help to progress the basic day-to-day operations. I think it sounds like me. All I really want, really, is two things: 1) Be in control. 2) Make so much money, I start making furniture out of it. :) Legit. If the interest is not there when I try this out, then so be it. - I’ll apply for something else. But I have to choose something or I’m never going to get anywhere.

Off topic:

I found another inspirational person on this earth. Robin Lim. I didn’t know a thing about her until one night, mom was watching CNN Hero of the Year on TV. I actually wasn’t planning on watching the last 10 minutes with mom when I sat down on the couch, but this woman had caught my eye as soon as the camera zoomed across the audience. I don’t know if it’s because maybe I had seen her face before, or if there was just some telepathical, crazy signal coming to me saying HEY, WATCH THIS. Soon enough whatever his doll face name is, awarded this Robin Lim with Hero of the Year. I watched as she gave her speech, not knowing what she had done. The first line she spilled was enough for me to burst into tears (and I am not one to admit I have tear ducts). After the show was over, I had to google more about her. Here is a very SHORT but never ending list of who she is.

Robin Lim. A mid wife and founder of Yayasan Bumi Sehat (Healthy Mother Earth Foundation) health clinics, which offer free prenatal care, birthing services and medical aid to ANYONE who needs it. In case you missed it, it says TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS IT. Since 2003, herself and the team combatted Indonesia’s high maternal and infant mortality. She has been accredited for the help of educating birthing services and delivering healthy babies to thousands of low-income mothers. She saves lives. Not just one young life, but thousands. Here’s her website: http://www.bumisehatbali.org/ . Seriously, check it out. It makes you feel good, knowing there is still Good left in this world. “Every mother counts, and health care is a human right.” Iu Robin Lim.

Side tracked again.

For those of you still reading this (and have a single care left in you :) ), I’m starting a new trend. It goes like this: as long as you have a job (or are going to school), have a hobby, and some sort of daily fitness (sports, workout,etc) program, you are allowed to live you life on three basic questions:  1) Is this what I want? 2) How much do I want of it? 3) Do I want this now? For example, (one I use on a daily basis) *looking at chocolate* 1) Yes, this is what I want. 2) I WANT ALL OF IT !!!! *t rexour noises* 3) Oops, I already ate it. I think this trend is gunna go global. :D YES, I WIN AT LIFE.

Who was your latest inspiration? Leave a comment.

P.S. Decemeber events to be written ASAP ! :D Also, check out video of the week!! (on the side)

Wonderful Excitement

Since it's the first of December nobody can bash me for anticipating the next best season of the year. So far, we've only put up the garland and rope lights for outside. Soon the actual house lights will be hung, the tree decorated and everything will be awesome. As soon as the ice plant dude starts that bad boy up at the rink, I'm digging out my skates! Perfect timing for snow here too. We got a good size bucket of snowdumped on us the night before last, preparing us for a winter blast. Well, besides the icy roads that is....

I've already got the majority of my presents wrapped. A small group of my friends and myself decided we should do a Christmas exchange. I'm literally sweeping the money right out of my bank account. My poor summer sweat and tears. :( It's okay though; because I know it's going to worthy enough friends. :)

I also got invited to an "All Girls Christmas Party" out at Hope's home, which I'm suppose to wear an ugly sweater for! There is also a Chinese *gift card* exchange which reminds me, I still have to get one. That should be interesting! Haha, I love the Christmas season :D Hmmm... where to get an ugly sweater....

Christmas Banquet is on the sixteenth which should be a good time. I got myself a pretty good escort anyway :P I think the entertainment this year is a comedian, which will definitely be a switch up from last year when some of us got hypnotized! Ahhhh, so funny. THERE'S BUFFALO OVER THERE !!!

Christma priority movies: The Grinch, Home Alone, Home Alone II, Santa Clause, Rudolf the Red nosed Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman, and a whole bunch of others I have forgotten about.

Our family is hosting Christmas this year so that should be different. Not much to do in a small town but it doesn't exactly matter when you got a big family right in front of you. We've got tons of board games to master, air hockey, movies of course, wii system, mini stick floor hockey in the basement, skating, chatting and other things I'm sure we'll come up with. Harm and I got a giant cleaning list we have to go through before we can even think of having people over! :( Boo. Oh well, just two more weeks of tackling school and basketball and the fun is mine! Muahaha. Yes, I WIN.

Countdown: 24 Days.

Everything from cancer to bullying

Before I write anything, I want it to make it clear that my opinion on this subject may be unjust and I fully admit I have abosuletly no right to critize the way society works. I know that there will be alot of disagreements with what I have to say. However, I have had personal experiences with each of these topics and feel that there needs to be change. Therefore I feel that I indeed, DO have the right to speak out to what I have to say. Agree? Agreed. There.

I'm just going to put it bluntly: Raising Awareness for something is like running on a treadmill during a marathon. You don't go any where. You can run as fast as you want, with how many people you want, spend as much money as you want but you are solving nothing unless reasonable action is being taken. There are some things I just don't exactly understand.

For instance, a few weeks ago it was "Wear purple on Thursday to speak out against bullying". What's that going to do? Stop the bully because you're wearing a purple tee? For people like me, that actually participated in this act, did it really stop people from bullying one another that day? No it did not. It did nothing. People acted how they always do. Laughed, giggled, joked about someone else. Pushed, shoved, tripped people. But it's all a game right? It was just a fun day that everyone got to wear 'all purple'. And I'm not going to pretend that I'm all innocent either.

Same idea goes for cancer awareness projects. This is the big one. You can't tell me that by year 2011, not one single person in this country (or even world!) hasn't been effected or doesn't know somebody who has been effected by cancer. Everyone is "aware" of it. Just off the top of my head, I have had six members of my family either killed or permemantly ill from cancer. I'm sure there's many more if I were to dig deeper. I've known what cancer was since I was five. Why are we just "raising awareness" of it? Why not more? We need solutions and research; not just t shirts.

We need more than "raising awareness". We need 100% of money raised going to legitimate research and not 60% of funds going to administration. No one gets paid when another is suffering.

I would also like to make it clear that there are other fantastic organizations and charities that are trying their best to find a solution to societies problems, and that I have absolutely no right to judge or have an misconception on what kind of an impact they have. Not every organization is in it for the money and I realize that. I hope I haven't offended anyone. To clear some more air, I want everyone to know that I personally still give/donate both time and money to these organizations and that I still believe that even though my $20 may only really be $2, that's still $2 closer to finding a cure. We all need to give if we want to make a difference.

Here's a list of organizations you should check out:

United Way of Canada - http://www2.unitedway.ca/uwcanada/default.aspx
Salvation Army - http://salvos.org.au/
Canadian Cancer Society - http://www.cancer.ca/Canada-wide/About%20cancer.aspx?sc_lang=en
Aid for Starving Children - http://www.aashf.org/
Make a Wish Foundation - http://www.thechildrensplace.ca/?redirect=usa
Kid's Help Phone - http://www.kidshelpphone.ca/teens/home/splash.aspx
Making a Difference Foundation - http://www.pdcrs.com/page.asp?PageID=58
Canadian Red Cross - http://www.redcross.ca/article.asp?id=000005&tid=003

and many, many more.

What difference are you going to make today? Leave a comment.

Silly writings

Live... Someone's Watching

No matter the size of crowd,
give your best show.
Life is an open stage,
with you - the only character.
Always Smile.

Feel the spotlight's warmth,
it's consistently reminding you.
You are apart of this earth,
create your own role - don't find one.
Laugh often.

Allow your body to talk,
it has it's own unique performance.
Be patient with your voice,
not all words can express feeling.
Speak up.

Choose your act wisely,
it will easily define personality.
Never forget to show emotion,
after all - the director chose you specially.
Love deeply.

Live on,
Someone's always watching.


Overwhelming Actions

Use gasoline, burn pictures.
Stomp your feet & throw fits
Shout hateful words, slam many doors.
Fight for decisions made & talk with bloody fists

Bash all the doubters, smash a pane of glass.
Kick in the wall & feed off anger
Scribble away the madness, rip several papers.
Run from the problems & drive from it fast

Perspirate every frustration, scream from the throat.
Break a stick & throw a few stones
Pull feathers from pillows, clench teeth hard.
Close each eye & allow every tear to fall.

Light a match,
Throw a punch,
Kick violently,
Scream. Louder.

BUT- Forgive aggressively.
let everything else be temporary.

Winter: Love vs. Hate

I guess I have to face the fact that I live in Canada, where 11 months out of the year the weather concludes blowing snow and sheets of ice galore. Gotta love it, right? The multiple layers of clothing, toques and mitts. The chapped lips and dry skin. All the outcomes of winter that make people cringe when the first flake of iced rain drop onto the leftover summer pavement. It's almost depressing. What can we make of this awful long season? I think we should start thinking more on the lines of positivity!

I know of a lot of people who snowboard or ski during the winter breaks. However, I had a nightmare experience the first time I learned how to ski and I'm not about to talk about what had happened. Let's just say I didn't know the symbols applied to anything at all when I first got my green circle stamped on my ski tag. I quickly learned there was a significance to these symbols as I endured my adventure down the black diamond adventure of death. It was awful.

Since screaming bloody murder and slidding on my a** isn't my forte, I prefer to stick with much more classier winter activities. Skating in my small town is an escape away from home where you can slap a few pucks around in anger and frustration without anyone looking at you strangely. Half the time I'm the only one there so it's a nice feeling. I can't wait until they put the ice in. Although, I'm certain there's a monster living in the furnace room when I go to turn off the ice lights late at night...

Covering up in warm, fuzzy blankets watching Christmas movies in the basement with my sister is also an exceptional good time. There's also air hockey tournaments, tobogganing in the river valley or even at Becca's house with the finishing touch of warm hot chocolate with a french vanilla touch in our bellys. Perfect!

What's Christmas without winter?! I have a huge family so you can imagine when all of us gather for such occasions, it's always mandatory we have a spectacular time. Board games like monopoly, scribblish, or cranium is always a must tradition. After all, we cannot let cousin Tara down :) The bursts of crying laughter and hoots and howling, you can't just cannot love it. Just being with such a fantastic family to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, I know that I am blessed. And oh, how very grateful I am. 


New Years Eve is also a blessing and a half. Our little village has it's annual dance, you never know what's going to be the turnout. Anyhow, it's still a pretty good night with friends and such. I can't believe it's going to 2012 soon. Seems like things went into fast forward ever since my 6th birthday. Crazy! I thought I was still debating between blue crayons and red crayons. Now I'm thinking about what I'm going to do after I graduate... woah, what!?


You can say I'm a true fan of February break. While almost everyone goes away on their ski/Mexico trips, I stay at home and celebrate my birthday :) What joy! Get the rink to myself, spending time with Harm and the "away" friends who come home from university or whatever it may be, there always seems to be a new memory made by the end of the week. I quite enjoy the times to be had with the people I love. No one else could ask for a better birthday gift. :)


So I guess inbetween the scraping of windshields and slippery roads, I will be busy with all other anti - stressful activities that will fill my life with wonders and joy that I will forget about this long season of Canada's and I WILL keep my head held high. It's my guarantee. 


What's your favorite winter activity or holiday? Leave a comment below ! Doooo itttt. I demand.

 

Only in Hollywood.

Yeah, I'm a youtube addict. I recently had watched my weekly Jenna Marbles episode (if you don't know who I'm talking about...well, youtube her. HILARIOUS). It was about what she had learned from watching Disney movies - quite funny but ironically, so very true. What she had listed in the video is all the fake perks in Disney movies. The beautiful princesses, half naked mermaids, and the romantic prince charmings who save their pathetic lives and live happily ever after blah blah blah crap. Once I think about it, I can't think of one Disney movie that doesn't have a stereotype. All the ugly, fat and old people ruin the beautiful, skinny princesses' lives. So, what is that teaching us when we're six years old? It teaches us to avoid these people. It shows in it's own way, that all step mother's are evil, we need our prince charming to "save" us before we can live our life (by the way: they get married when they're like 18! What the hell!?) and that the only thing we (females) can do is sing, cook and clean. Pffffftttt. Whatever!


I can just hear all the people who laugh at this, make disagreements and shake their head at my thoughts but think about it for a minute! When I first saw Jenna's video I couldn't stop thinking about her reasonings so I googled, "How Disney movies ruined..." and before I could finish my sentence there was a whole list of suggestions that linked me to other pages. They included:
- How Disney movies ruined my life
- How Disney movies ruined my childhood expectations
- How Disney movies taught me in life
- How Disney movies are unrealistic


After reading these suggestions, I found myself being silly. After all, I was thinking about how I could come up with reasons to bash a child's movie company.I had thought about letting go of my exaggerated frustrations, butI decided to push Enter instead and ended up reading a cluster of articles about real life stories of the Disney World dream. One story that stuck out, is about this young guy around his twenties and he had said, that he had believed he had to be the "Prince Charming" in his life. He had stated, he honestly believed that in order to have his happily ever after, he had to be the perfected "do everything right" gentleman - have the "right" job, make the "right", courageous choices as well as finding his Miss Perfected Princess. Turns out, this guy had quickly found out that this fantasy world he wanted to create is nothing but filled with disappointments,imperfections and mistakes. He had felt like he had been lied to, cheated upon, and other devastating eye openers. Big deal, or....?


It seems a bit silly to blame Disney movies for our misconceptions on life, but where else do we get these confused messages about life? Media is a HUGE influence on the way we live and how we develop stereotypical perspectives on gender roles. Especially for females. (I.e. the long, thick, beautiful hair. Pretty face. Handsome prince charming. Our talents include cooking and cleaning...and cleaning and cooking. OH, and singing. We need a man to live happily ever after. etc etc.) Where do we draw the line?


I think they should make a Disney movie about an mid size, broad woman with dark hair, who faces real life problems; such as what college or university she should go to, where she should live, and what job she should apply for in the meantime. The ending of the movie can still be happily ever after - with her realizing she can overcome these obstacles while becoming a millionaire as she watches the much weaker male species line up to serve her ;) hehehe. I like it. I feel much better now knowing my dream is realistic and not some fake, unrealistic Disney World. 


Muahahaha. Anway, there's my thoughts :) Opinions!? Make your comments. Bring it on!!! ;) Haha

Putting a Mad Woman Asleep

Controlling frustration. Wow, am I having a hard time doing this lately. I get to the point where I become so angry and impatient with things I can't even handle the way I think and react. For the most part, I'm able to keep my outbursts, freakouts, meltdowns, etc inside, but it's when I'm alone that I need things to change. When I'm alone, I bring out all these crazy emotions that I don't know how to control. When I'm alone, I become someone I don't even know. I just feel awful about myself and the way things are. I honestly do not know how to be in control when I get into that state of mind. The problem with me is, I'll vent with someone all I can and want, talk about my problems all I can and want, write, walk, run, whatever - but it still doesn't make all the anger away.

What am I so frustrated about? There's a list of things. I can't just pinpoint it to one thing, person or issue. I guess what I've learned from all this, is that I cannot go around blaming the world for my problems. I am my own problem. It's me. No other person, place or thing. But I have... no MUST... remember that I'm also my own solution (thanks Megan, from Bridesmaids :) ) I think what I need to do, is say that over and over in my mind. Maybe then I'll believe it. "I am my own solution" ... "I am my own solution."

I'm starting to feel a little more optimistic about the way things are going right now. I still have a few things to check off of my 'do this a healthy way' list but that's okay. Not everything is going to happen overnight. When an issue comes up, I have to deal with it right away. No more, "whatever, I'll do with it later" type of attitude is going to be coming out of me. I have to start trying, start caring, start dealing with reality instead of ignoring and pretending it isn't here.

People are going to judge. People are going to bash decisions being made. There are going to be things I don't want to do or deal with. There are going to be places I don't want to go - but changing my attitude towards these situations will hopefully change the way I view myself and lifestyle. Because I CAN keep going. And I will.

Question of the day: How do you release frustration and anger ?

Opting Optimism :)

When the sky is no longer blue,

do not ration dark for eternity.

The clouds will part,

and the stars will speak to you.

No matter what harm or fear that dreams,

only yourself can hurt your faith.

Be hopeful.

The brightness from the light will charm,

bringing all success and prosperity.

Allow the confident thinking brew,

while embracing the gentle midnight howl.

Do not give up on your heroes,

for they're searching for their own inspiration.

Be patient.

Seek your own peace and salvation,

as it is near, you will feel soon.

Fight for what is right and true,

you can conquer anything what you put your mind to

Look deeply, your vision will show

all can be true 

Only if you want it to.

Believe. Always.

Anticipating Anxiety

I haven't wrote in awhile so I thought I'd catch up with my own life by writing what I've been up to.Haha, go figure. This will be boring to everyone else, I can assure.

This last month has been crazy hectic. I've been stressing over alot of things: volleyball, homework, friends, school, and other little things that annoy and bother me on a daily basis. It's weird for me because I'd consider myself a pretty easy going, "everything will get done in time" patient type of person. But lately, I find myself going crazy! 

Volleyball. As much as I hate myself for admitting this, but I'm already sick of the sport and the commitment that comes with it. I honestly dread going to practices, league and tournaments. Sometimes I wonder why I even play and not just up and quit right now. I suppose for a number of reasons, but the main one being; I'm scared I'll regret it. I know that in ten or twenty years for now, I won't remember if we won that game or lost that tournament or not... what I'll remember is what Sam said at the supper table, or the hilarious comments said in the changeroom targeted at Rookie. It'll be a positive memory to look upon, that's a for sure. 

But still -

I cannot help but to imagine the time I would have to think about who I am or how I would have a weekend to actually have some rest & relaxation and just enjoy myself.Also, the guilt I have when I'm not home to help and be with my mom. It's hard doing something you hate doing. I have to ask myself, Why did I put myself in this position to begin with?

Homework. No comment. "It's not due until tomorrow at 1:00. I can do it at recess... at 12:55." :/

Something else that's been a circus in itself, is friends. I've been hanging around a select few and often spend my free time with them. Depending who I'm with, they either make me feel uncomfortable and feeling like I need to leave...RIGHT NOW. Or there'd be the odd 2-3 friends who actually accept my self strangeness - where I can actually feel comfortable being myself around them. I tried to surround myself with these people but sometimes, well sometimes I don't feel up to it or when I do, I just feel like I can't embrace the moment and enjoy it. It's something dumb about me, I know...

School has been so stressful. I can honestly say I absolutely, positively hate ALL of the courses I'm taking. To make this short and sweet here's why...

Bio: I'd rather knock myself into a coma then to just try and be interested in it.

Physics: When am I ever going to use Sin theta = mc triangle thingy T. or in other words: 我討厭物理

Math: self explanatory. no further comment.

History: nothing changes and I still don't know how an assassination led to WWI

Sewing: shoot me in the face.

Phys ed: ....................................why.

There's a whole lot of other things going on and I definitely need to have a better attitude about all of it. I just don't know where to start.

Feeling all these Feelings

Mind Games

When dawn turns to dusk,
the moonlight shines through.
Clouds form barriers,
forcing the dimness upon us.

The thought of absence slowly blinds,
cutting our only true vision.
Erasing all fair thoughts without knowing,
the evil seekingly seeps in.

The naked trees dance,
blocking our only known path.
Our mouths screech desperately,
but the silence is too deafening.

The chill snips our bare skin,
our breath becomes cold.
The bitter taste of defeat,
bites all assured confidence.

For this we become lost,
permitting foul to be all in fair.
Our mind grows delicately weak,
allowing the darkness...

Become Us.