Who are you ?

Expose yourself

Strip down the layers of your mind

Break it down into bits and pieces

Emotions, thoughts, actions, all different places

Find the different groupings, set them each apart

Force yourself

Rip open your secrets

Spit out your confessions

Lies, truth, guilty pleasures, all of your possessions

Take them into account, deduct the penalty

Uncover yourself

Reveal your true visions

Peel back the sugar coat

Violence, anger, impatience, all hating comments

Stare into them, make them their weakness

Unearth yourself

Dig out your deepest sentiments

Sink into your honest darkness

Confidences, defiance, rebellion, all the immaturity

Share your attitude, make it only temporary

 

Discover yourself

This is who you are.

Lost & Found

Lost & Found

Stood outside in a thunderstorm

Nothing on but a cross and an old t shirt

Leaving the past in a separate direction

My mind has gone and left three days before

I’m no longer here, letting the rain sting

My body aching with every negative feeling

Pitch black nobody can see my plea

The flash of lightning reminded me

Just how quick he gone and left

Broke me in half and twisted me around

“There is no cure for the cold hearted”

And threw me out in the streets to feel

Just as the dirt in mud and a dog on the street

The thunder roared leaving me on my knees

There was no chance of hope for a bitter girl

Left on the street with a scolded temper

Taking one step towards no particular answer

A bit of warmth peered from the darkest of skies

The sun poked through and took my soul

Finding a reason I was looking for

Summer Excitement & Highschool Hate

If you aren’t excited for summer, I think you’re crazy! I’ve got things set and it’s only a matter of organizing and planning. I applied for 3 jobs thus far; The Housing Authority – lawn maintenance, etc (the wage is AWESOME!), the Aquatic Center, and to read water meters for the town. So far I only know I’ve gotten the job with the Housing Authority (which I’m really excited about) and I’m feeling very confident with getting employment with the pool again (still have my fingers crossed for full time though :S) however I’m not sure about the water meter job. I’ll also be putting up posters for my lawn mowing again for the 3^rd year and Interior Car Cleaning for the 2^nd. These were the two deal breakers for me last year; loved it! My dad recently purchased a hot water pressure washer at an auction sale a week or so ago, but we’ll see if the town water is good enough to do vehicles with. So in all there’s really 5 jobs that are potentially set up for me.

I’m starting to get out of the busy months of the school year so I’m feeling less stressed and more in control. It’s almost a daily struggle for me to not let my feelings push me into actions, which in reality are bad habits… I have to constantly remind myself, “Just be patient. Just be patient”. Does anyone else find just being in control the hardest part in a day? Not that I’m shooting bullets in people’s faces every day, but more like shooting my own face every day; does that make sense? I wish happiness could be bought off a shelf, because I definitely would be the first in line.

Another thing I really wish is that I could graduate this year. Not for the decorations or banquet or fancy speeches or dresses or anything like that, but just to get out of that school. I’m not going to dwell on it, but cut it short to this: I’m sick of the people and their BS. People are always telling me “oh don’t say that, enjoy it before it slips away because you’ll wonder where the time went” pffft whatever. I might have a bad attitude but they have worse lies.

Check out the Video of the Week Page. I set it up a bit differently. Leave feedback/lots of comments please! Don’t forget to add your name because anonymous comments will be deleted (just because I don’t want creeps on my blog).

Old entry #4 - Hating my own Attitude

Just so everyone knows, I’m importing all my old entries from my other blog site onto this one so everything is all here. YAY. Put down your comments. Right now.

Hating my own Attitude

Lately, I have been catching myself being so miserable. I literally had to stop myself mid sentence in countless conversations and say aloud, "Why am I talking like this?". After taking a moment and realizing the reason why I was, I took the initiative to stop the conversation and say, "I'm done." I get so frustrated with the situation or problem or myself, that all I could be is simply angry. Meanwhile, I was forgetting that I was only making the scenario worse, by acting so. Why? Why do I insist on making that choice to do so? I believe that it is because I have been doing it for so long, that I have gotten immune to my own outbursts, negative thinking, and attitude.

It is only recent that I had decided I wanted to TRY to be satisfied, grateful, and happy. (i.e. Satifraction blog). I have realized I am exactly who I don't want to be. Maybe that is why I dislike people who are this way - because I am really just them.

I can't even remember when I didn't speak or think the way I do. It seems like even in my elementary grades I was always angry. It didn't help that I am so self conscience about, well - everything 'me'. At the time, there were only 3 other kids in my grade; a set of twins and little Noah ;) hehe. The thing was; I was always two feet taller than them (until grade seven/eight or so). No, that isn't an exaggeration. Of course, since I was way bigger than them I was outrageously embarassed. I was always the slowest, least athletic kid in phys ed class - which class I loved dearly but could never really enjoy. My first mistake in elementary school: taking all this anger out on them. Not in a bully sense, but more as in 'taking charge'. I NEEDED to be the leader in everything. I think there is a kid in every grade that's like that. :(

About grade six is when I grew out of that nonsense. It is a regret I still have plunged in the back of my mind. I suppose at that time I had realized that wasn't who I wanted to be or be remembered as. After all, it was the last year we were going to be enrolled in our small town school - it was closing. More anger grew inside of me after we were shipped over to our new school... more blame, more hate, more regrets were formed during the next years.

I think the past year or so I have improved muchly in the sense of my outbursts and pessimism acts. I know I am my own problem. I know I want to change and be different. My issue now is exactly what this blog is about:

Secret anger.

I hate. I scowl. I regret. I keep all the impatience inside me.

And I don't even know why.

Old entries #3 - Chasing time vs Running out

Just so everyone knows, I’m importing all my old entries from my other site onto this one so everything is in one place. Feel free to comment :)

Chasing time vs. Running out

This has been bothering me for a very long time. Before I say anymore, I want to make it clear that this entry isn't ment to judge or criticize or bash decisions made by anyone. I just would like to get my opinion out there and see who agrees and sees what I see in my reasoning. :) Yay.

Females - what is our goal in life? That might be too broad of a question, or perhaps there are numerous goals we have. I think we can all agree that in our society - past and present - our goal is to find the man of our "dreams". By dreams I mean this: someone who can take care of us (finacially), create a family and care for them and live happily ever after.  (By the way, I'm not a feminist or believe anything along those lines. It's just the way I view all of this.) Okay, first of all I would like to note where our career fits in all of this. Hmmm... let's put this in perspective.

We go to school for 13 years, then we pick and choose a career which then let's just say a plus four years on top of that for post secondary. So approximately 17 years we spend our life in school - by now we are well into our twenties, well educated and ready for our Life to begin! YAY. Meanwhile, while all this is happening Mr. Right comes into our path - which isn't a bad thing at all. We like Mr. Right after all ;) ... the problem is, we just started our new "Life" which we waited almost two decades for. Now what? We can't think of our life being better without Mr. Right so of course, we marry. Again, nothing wrong with that.

Okay, now we have started a few years into our career with our new marriage life. Fantastic! Life is wonderful!! Ready or not, we will be pressured to having children - after all we are pushing into our thirties, all our friends are having babies and we want the great reward of joy children bring us. This is where I see all the problems beginning.

What happened to our personal goal? Was it just to care for children and our husband? What about ourselves? Where do our ambitions and hobbies and likes and interests go? (To me, I am NOT being selfish by saying those things by the way). I have the answer: in the garbage - with the diapers, unfinished sandwiches and broken toys. What happened to that 17 years of schooling? That wonderful career and happy life? As females, we are expected to drop everything to care and support everyone else. I know I'll get comments stating, "there are good men and excellent, caring husbands out there that will still make sure you get what you need to keep that 'happy' life with personal goals that don't involve children - or anyone else." etc etc. Okay, that IS true. I won't argue with it. But that still doesn't change the fact, or my opinion, that we are still expected to be the 'nuturer in life. To me, this isn't fair. Yes, life isn't fair but this can easily be changed.

I would like to know who decided that the man gets to keep his position in life with his lovely career, hardly changing his lifestyle at all for OUR children. That might be a bit harsh to say, but c'mon... it's true in almost every family. (Notice key word: *almost*) What role do our husbands play in this happy go, lucky life? First thing I can think of is $$. Okay, sounds like somewhat of a deal. We are stuck at home with the children while the husband works his butt off to pay the bills so we can make ends meet. Wait a minute... we can do that too. We had a career once. We were making $$ at a very short time in our life. Why can't we have back what we earned earlier in our life, before children were born? ... Like the old saying goes, "you can't have two good things at once."

Now our children have grown up, have their own careers and starting their own life. Our Mr. Right can now retire and we move away to a better location. Perhaps this is where many try to get back the original goals and ambitions we had, maybe even discovering new interests and hobbies to enjoy. HA! Hello grandchildren... grandma made cookies...

P.S. I am not saying children are horrible beasts that pop into life bringing no joy or happiness for us to endeavour. My point is, what makes life enjoyable; the life we create (ourself only) or the lives we care for (everyone else)?

Old entries #2 - Yes, I am satistfied.

Just so everyone knows, I’m importing most of my old blog entries onto this site so everything is one place. Super! :) Leave your comment.

Yes, I am Satisfied.

It is amazing how difficult it is for me to say these words. Am I grateful for the things I can and are able to do? Perhaps. If I really think about it. I suppose I tend to avoid being grateful of who I am, seeing only what I can not do. I think most people are like this. Are we pessimists? Or do we only think like them. Most people would say it is the same thing, but I disagree.

Pessimists are people who think negatively, act negative, and talk negative - ruining their days, even life. They do not believe the problem is themselves, but everyone else. People who are stuck between pessismism and reality often consider themselves "realists". We see things completely differently then pessimists. We know that we are our own problem. We know we choose to see that single cloud in the clear blue sky. We let pessimism thoughts take over our life. The problem is, we do not know how to fix this state of mind. We want to see the sun. We want our reality to be different. We want to change. But we don't know how to be grateful.

How can we truly be happy in life, when we are blinded by the negative? Yet we choose this. We have trained our minds thinking it's so much easier to be bummed out by that one cloud or that one comment someone said. This is definitely not a healthy way of thinking - or living. We need to start not only seeing the sun, but feeling it. The warmth is much more comforting when we feel it on our own. We can no longer rely on others to keep us "warm" or happy. Sure, it's nice having someone to talk to about the good things in life but that's only temporary. They cannot talk to you 24/7 for the rest of your life. YOU have to talk to yourself, saying "yes, the sun is out. I can feel it and I am grateful."

I have started to come out of the "realist" state. It's not an easy thing to do. Especially when I think I'm doing better and then all of a sudden, when I'm not the least bit prepared - I'll get that one comment from someone letting pessismism thoughts and feelings back into my life. No. I have to say NO to these things. I have to ask myself, "what am I truly grateful for?" "Why am I blaming the pessismist for my thoughts?". Being a realist is a choice. And I am now saying No to this. I want happiness! YAY FOR BRIGHT RAINBOWS AND UNICORNS. :) haha

So how satisfied am I right now? A fraction. I cannot be truly satisfied until I start feeling the sun again. Right now, I can only see it. I'm starting though; now it's your turn. I am grateful for this SatisFRACTION :) Are you?

Old entry #1 - If No one was Watching

Just to let everyone know, I’m just importing some of my older blog entries from my other site onto this one so I can have everything in one place. Feel free to still comment on them :)

If No one was Watching . . .

What is it that we are all so very afraid of? This had struck me early this morning when I was teaching swimming lessons and has been occupying my mind since. This young girl was signed up for a level based on her age, rather than her skill. This is not a mistake of course; it happens all the time. But this particular girl had never taken swimming lessons of any sort and was not exactly comfortable being in the water. The problem was that the level she was originally signed up for was way beyond her water skill level. She couldn't even enter the deepend at her teen age. At the moment, I thought this would be an easy problem to fix - I be by her side with an assist (fludder board), ready to help her when needed. For her however, this was a life or death task. Now being as stubborn as I am, I was not going to let her leave the lesson without completeing at least one basic fundamental of swimming; back float. She did not like this idea of mine of course, and decided to sit out for the remainder of the lesson. I was dumbfounded. Why not at least TRY?

As I continued teaching my lesson, I kept glancing over to study her. Not glaring or anything rude, but just studying. The way she hung on to the wall, looking down, deep into the clear water with almost no expression at all, made me think. Something kept telling me she wanted to be in this lesson, at this time, on this particular day. She DID want to learn how to swim, how to move with the water instead of fighting aginst it. She DID want to try...

My theory is this -

She was afraid of being judged. Being chuckled and pointed at. This particular group of kids all knew eachother fairly well. She didn't want to ruin the rest of her summer being known as "That girl that couldn't swim"... Perhaps that might be an exaggeration, but how was she suppose to know that? How was she suppose to know that no one was going to be talking or laughing behind her back? Of course I would quickly put a stop to that, but she still didn't know.

After speaking to her mother after the lesson about how much more she would be able to benefit if we were to drop her down a couple levels with a different instructor. I saw improvement immediately. Not only physically, but mentally - emotionally. Becca (the other instructor) had stayed in the pool during her break with this young girl, so that no one else could watch her struggle. I cannot express the feeling I had at the momment where she had succeeded. She had tried. And succeeded.

This brings to my attention alot of questions I have of society beyond swimming. And maybe even questions for myself. We fear of the audience that is waiting for our mistakes to happen. We are always asking ourselves, what would happen if I did this, tried that, spoke my opinion and messed up? Even something as exotic and silly as trimming my front lawn with no shirt on. It gets hot in the dead of the heat! Yet, my conscience says no - that's inappropriate. Is it inappropriate? It is hot outside, my shirt is sticking to my back and if everyone in the world cut their lawn with no shirt on, it wouldn't be seen as inappropraite or weird or crazy. I suppose there are still "standards" or "rules" that should still apply like; you don't go down to the store naked, to buy groceries. That isn't my point. My point is; how much of our lives do we miss out on, worrying about an audience that exists only in our minds?

Tips for relieving an injured shoulder

I haven’t posted in awhile, but I do have legitimate entries coming out of the yin yang; just need more time to finish em up. So I decided that I would quickly write this up so this blog doesn’t die out on me.

About two years ago, I partially dislocated my shoulder and it’s been a reoccurring injury ever since. I haven’t exactly found a solution (if there is one, even) but I found some temporary fixes that help with re-strengthening, etc. If you have specific exercises for an injury that work, leave a comment please!

Haley’s Top 10 Steps for treating a dumb shoulder

1.  Next Day physio therapy. It’s painful but relieving the very next day. I see Colette Anderson. She’s awesome. She does everything from teaching me most of the exercises below to ultrasound to acupuncture. I must admit, I was skeptical to the whole acupuncture thing, but I’m telling you, it does work!

2. Bandage the ball of the shoulder by pulling it back (Colette does this for me). I find it helps with my treacherous posture and helps keeping it from moving around too much. I leave it on for about a week as you can shower with it on, etc. This helps with playing sports too, as I’m moving my shoulder around a lot.

3. Ice until it’s numb, then have a really hot bath with Epson salt – mainly to reduce swelling.

4. Exercise it as soon as possible! The first thing I try to do is just pull back my shoulders as if trying to push my back in. Once I’m able to do that without too much pain, I stand in a doorway and put both arms parallel to the frame, pushing against it as hard as I can – this is mostly for the muscles in the upper arm.

5. Strengthening bands work well if you keep it up. I learned this the hard way.

6. Starting a lawn mower motion. Or actually go out and start your mower hahaha

7. Wall exercises. All of them, just to stretch things out and to get the stiffness out. Again, if you get lazy like me, it WILL come back to haunt you. I know, I thought I was invincible too.

8. Dumbbell weights. I like to start simple since it takes me awhile just to pick the weight off the ground let alone hang on to it for a few reps. Probably the most helpful exercise for me using dumbbells is just straightening out both my arms parallel to the ground and then lifting them up, holding, then releasing. Repeat.

9. Turpentine. This should be used immediately after the injury for relief.

10. Probably the most important is a positive attitude. If you don’t think your shoulder is ever going heal; it won’t. Guaranteed.

What injury exercises work for you? Doesn't necessarily have to be a shoulder injury.

Leave a comment.

Check out video of the week !! (on the side)

Addicted to Excuses

Addiction.

I believe everyone has one. I have many, no – truck loads. Some are healthy, most can be argued, but the majority is a heaving pile of pure unhealthy addiction. And I can’t blame anyone or anything for having them. They are all excuses, and I know it. My mind works like this: “I need. I need. I need.” *does it* “Better.” *moments later* “I need. I need. I need.” From now on, every time I type the word Addiction, I’m going to backspace and write in Excuse instead – even if it doesn’t make any sense at all.

I have food Excuses. I love chocolate. Coke is a definite daily necessity. Milk and oreos is a big weakness. Good mood? Food. Bad mood? Food.I’ve actually caught myself a couple of times stuffing my face with chips or popcorn while watching “The Biggest Loser”… which is pretty bad.

I have internet Excuses. Just going to check facebook for five minute really means an hour. Youtube is my best friend. Good mood? Youtube. Bad mood? Youtube. Google is the central part of my brain. Gmail, blog, Wikipedia, twitter. Check, check, check and check it again. Repeat.
Even music is my Excuse. I listen to music on the bus, school, studying, and yes, even when I shower. Hahaha, it’s the only place where I sing. Some people might debate that music isn’t an addiction, but I can fully admit that what I listen to is dark, deep and depressing. To the people who don’t understand that and maybe this will even confuse you more, but “my” genre of music makes me feel better. I have an idea why but it’s unexplainable and isn’t worth the attempt. Good mood? Depressing music. Bad mood? Depressing music.

I have so many other addictions/excuses that I’ve given up trying to avoid them anymore. They exist and I’m open about it. Well… most of them anyway. I’ve realized that all these things are just to “hide” what I’m actually feeling. They are excuses because I know I can change, but I refuse to. Intentionally. Why? Because changing means to require energy. Perhaps this is just another excuse in itself when I say this, but I’ve been buried in all these “addictions” for so long that I’ve developed an attitude of “meh, I DON’T CARE.”
 Good mood? I don’t talk about it. Bad mood? I don’t talk about it.

My thinking of “Addiction is so much better then facing problems. So why change? It always feels better in the end.” is the biggest lie I’ve been telling myself for too long.

Recovery is my future.

What’s your biggest addiction?

P.S. Click on Video/Song of the week on the side bar. It’s a gooder. :)

Midway Sleep

While the world sleeps
My circus is just beginning
With each thought having it’s own parade
Marching down their restless way
Like a hallway of never ending blues
I cover my eyes with layers of blankets
Trying to drown out the imaginary lights
From the past to the desperate future
All sorts of emptiness is filled with everything
With the clock burning each taunting minute
Reminding me of how quick emotions shift
The questions swirl and dance around
Like an unwanted, sickening feeling
Looking to escape this ring of fire
My strategy is only an exaggerated illusion
Counting each blessing, I close my eyes
Jumping in with only a fool’s gamble
I pick my prize of forty winks
But the night’s trickery is the supremacy
And forever it will always be
I lie awake, knowing fair well
I just lost biggest reward of all
Tonight’s rest.

Year Twenty Eleven in 1,201 words. (Numbers switched around) Pure Talent, I know.

I am going to attempt to sum up my Year of 2011. I know I’ll end up writing all of you a boring novel in the end; managing to still forget something important. I’ll try to make it in order as I possibly can.

Rewinding 2011: Things I Remember - All things and everything else.

I remember as soon as the January Finals ended, I decided I wasn’t going to give a flying fruit basket about anything school related. It was only about half way through basketball season, and I was already tired of that too. I can, and will, fully admit that I had given up on everything. I was angry for reasons I can’t exactly explain.

By the end of February, I managed to pass my Bronze Medallion supposably missing the best tournament of the year (basketball) :( My birthday came with myself and my sister spending the evening out at Bennett’s house, sledding/talking/giggling with Sam and Becca late hours into the night.

March was the highlight month of accomplishments right from the beginning. By the 1^st, my first attempt to get my licence was a success. Even though I managed to cut a dude off (glad we have 4X4) on mainstreet Shauny. Classy. I also was successful in getting my Bronze Cross and First Aid CPR C/AED. All I can say is, hell if I’m ever going to do that much swimming EVER AGAIN. It was awful. I almost died. Twice. Yeah, that’s about all my accomplishments was. Hahaha.

April, our basketball team made it to Provincials. HOW AWESOME IS THAT. We fought hard, pulling off a solid Bronze medal :) Cool. After that, I just wanted school to end. And Winter.

May was preparation month for exams. Pffftttt, exams. I mean Summer! I applied for Full Time position at the Aquatic Center, but ended up getting casual which was okay with me. My mom also was having a tough time with her health, so my mind was no short of being occupied with nothing else but STRESS. Things started to clear up, nearing June so I re-posted my “Grass Cutting” Ad but added “Car Cleaning” with it. I know, typical desperate student posting…

By the end of June, I had already made about $80 - $100 just from cutting grass. I was feeling pretty optimistic about my future $$ wise. I started feeling comfortable getting to know what to do working at the pool. I had pretty good co-workers :) July first was spent with the fam out at the lake, but was cut short because I was scheduled to Lifeguard. That was okay, I like money.

About mid July I had taken two weeks off to catch up on some credentials and to attend a basketball camp. After some more swimming of death, I officially was a certified AWSI – Assistant Water Safety Instructor. Then, when I thought my body couldn’t possibly handle any more physical torture – basketball camp was up. I didn’t want to go, mainly for three reasons. 1) I was losing major interest in the sport. I was sick of it. 2) I didn’t want to take time off work. 3) I shouldn’t be allowed to play the sport. I was born a bench warmer.

Basketball camp was a story in itself. Rewinding further: the year before, Darryl and Collete took the majority of our team down to Helena, U.S. for an awesome basketball camp down there. Yes, I did learn a lot but I hated every minute being down there. They are bball freaks. This was also my first experience being asked about Canada. Here’s just some of the questions they had asked us:

Do you actually live in igloos?

Do you have a pet polar bear?

Do you guys have indoor plumbing?

Oh, you’re from Sass Cat Chewy an? That’s a pretty city name.

Do you like PAW STAH (pasta)? My response everytime: what the hell is pawstah.

Soooo, what’s the weather like up there? Is it snowing, like, all the time?

So funny. Hahaha, yeah, I made fun of them.

ANYWAY. There was a bunch of coaches in Helena (most of them were actual players that played for Carroll College) but there was one in particular that really stood out to everyone. I remember driving home, and all we pretty much talked about was how awesome Nancy was. I was only in one session with her, and she was the only person that entire week that didn’t make me feel as if I was stupid, incapable, and whatever else. She would make you do a drill, until you got it. PERFECTLY. Not just pity passed you, then make you feel stupid later in the week when you were the only one who couldn’t do something in a game. So,

FAST FORWARD: Darryl had asked if this Nancy could come up to… YES, our school to coach us for an entire week! Like I said before, I didn’t even want to go but ended up signing up last minute. I thank my mom for making me. It was probably on the Top 5 Highlights of my summer. Nancy helped me in numerous ways but helped everyone with just one thing in general. Focusing. I can’t thank her enough. I will be attending the next basketball camp coming up in the 2012 summer, and that will be my last time playing basketball forever! And hopefully it will end on a good note :)

You could say by the end of August, I had one full blown bad ass tan. I did exceptionally well with cutting grass – I had matched/exceeded what I made at the pool. Made just under 3 grand. Good start I suppose :) I ended up going to the lake two weekends in a row in late August to enjoy the last of the summer. Before I knew it, I was in Edmonton with two of the best cousins anyone could ask for. I blew all of my money there, but it was well worth it. I had a lot of fun there. I can’t thank them enough for letting me tag along.

Then school hit, and every good feeling went away. I had a rough volleyball season, and I can feel myself following the same path as basketball. Exams are coming out of the Ying Yang. I mean, I know it’s highschool, but we have exams scheduled before we even start a unit. It’s ridiculous. I hate it.

Skipping ahead to December, Christmas banquet was fun. I invited Ryland to join again. I hope it was worth his while! :) hehe.

Christmas was awesome. I am such a spoiled girl. Having an amazing family come to spend the day in our home, being showered in gifts, and just spending time eating and laughing – it was perfect. New Years Eve was total opposite. I needed one of my parents to accompany me at the dance in town due to the alcohol being present, but neither of them would go. So, needless to say, I spent the night sulking watching Dick Clark on TV.

Year 2011 + negative Haley = learning curves and obstacles I never overcame. Not my best year.

As for New Years Resolutions… I am a non believer. I refuse to set myself up to fail.